i pray that i will recover from this illness.
i pray that i will feel the joy, peace, and love
that i’ve been longing for.
i pray that i will have the strength to better myself.
i pray that i will never lose hope in times of despair.
i pray that i will heal every single day of the rest of my life.
i pray that i will experience less pain and more pleasure every
single day of the rest of my life.
i pray that i will think more rationally.
i pray that i will feel that the things around me are real and not
an illusion or a dream.
i pray that i will soon get well.
i pray for the belief that i will soon get well.
Why didn’t you tell me that this was coming? Why didn’t you tell me that I was going to kill a huge part of myself? I clung on to you like a baby crying in her mother’s arms. And you dropped me when I became too violent to you. When I became too much of a sadness to you. You’re not as what people think you are. You’re a very dangerous thing. And now I am trying to live without you because all you did was make me mad and exhausted.
And now grief is putting me to sleep.
Taking the pain away until autumn wakes me up.
I’m going to tell you a little secret: healing requires pain. That’s why when you’re feeling so anxious that’s when you know that you are healing through the innate human ability of adaptation. In simple terms: you’re going to get used to the anxiety that you’re feeling and move on with your life.
Because you eventually have to heal.
Because you eventually have to recover.
Because you eventually have to live.
God, everything feels so unreal sometimes. I make an effort to walk around my neighborhood sometimes to not lock myself inside the four corners of my room, and I look at a tree and think: is that really a tree? Or am I just imagining that it’s a tree? And it goes on to birds, the sun and the moon and myself. And then I think: do I even exist? Is anything real? Can a force in this universe distract me from this feeling of unreality?
I am still a child. I am still curious about the silliest things. I am still afraid when people ask me what I want in life because I don’t know what I want in life. Everything perhaps?