Sometimes the words I type feel unreal. Sometimes I think I’m losing my ability to write. I miss my old writer self when I was brave and playful and confident with my words. I wish I could turn back time and try to take it easy with myself. That the universe didn’t have to make sense to me. That I could’ve taken it one day at a time instead of burning myself out.
Someone once said that when you stretch your intellect beyond a certain point, you will crack up. And I think that’s what happened to me. I became so indulged with the power of creation that came with controlling the way that I think that made my mind crack. It’s now always anxious with or without reason. There isn’t a single day that it doesn’t think about death or the afterlife. It was trying to control the nature of my reality that sent me into a mental health facility.
I became so paranoid about something called “the butterfly effect” and how with every choice we make we create a different reality. With other lives that we’re leading. With other people we’re becoming. And I just want to be the perfect version of myself, but I feel like a failure nowadays. It’s hard to succeed when I’ve already lost my mind. And it’s even hard to live when everything I feel feels unreal.
My Instagram account is now back. I’ll be grateful for a follow here: https://www.instagram.com/juansendizon/ ✿
Hey. I just want to say thank you to everyone who supports my writings. I am going to self-publish my debut poetry collection early next year. I love you all and I wish you all a Merry Christmas. ❤️
Hey, fellow writers/bloggers/humans/readers 🙂
I am somehow finished with my poetry collection manuscript, and it’s 300 pages and eleven thousand words. I might add or subtract some pieces in the future, but I think it’s really solid now. Haha. Finally. 🙂
What really helped me with organizing my poetry collection were clear books. Lots and lots of clear books. PC folders. Lots and lots of PC folders. And coffee. Lots and lots of coffee that really heightened my productivity and anxiety for the past couple of days. And not to mention that I stayed awake for two straight days this week. (And I didn’t even take smart drugs) (And I don’t do smart drugs anymore)
Anyway, my poetry collection is going to be about depression, mental illness, love, loss, and self-love. And what’s really really making me sad and unexcited and anxious about this whole thing is the interior design.
You know….. things like: margins, spacing, fonts, and all of that. And I just can’t literally do it. And I’m really opting to just have it professionally done because I’m really bad in dealing with minor details. And I don’t want to blame myself in the future just in case I screw up with something.
As for the book cover, a high school friend of mine is doing it for me. So I am really thankful for him.
And I guess that’s it for now. 🙂
Christmas is near. And I just wish all of you a merry merry Christmas! 🙂
Practice writing sad things when you’re happy. And practice writing happy things when you’re sad.
Hello, followers. I don’t really know what to say. Today is a very special day for me because in exactly seven months ago I started a blog on WordPress because I felt very hopeless in life. And in exactly seven months ago I dropped out of college. And in exactly seven months ago I started to write whatever I felt. I just considered writing to make me feel more self-aware of what I want in life and probably have a sense of organization and order in life.
But that changed slowly and slowly as I began to read books. Then I wrote more poetry. Then I wrote some short stories. I tried to write a novel. I failed to finish it halfway. I almost deleted this blog in the process of failing to complete the novel I was writing because the plot was very weak. Then I just wrote more poetry. And more poetry. And more poetry. Then I decided to advance my poetry writings into Tumblr. And then I created an Instagram. And then a Twitter account. And then a Facebook account which garnered me much publicity as a writer than I could ever imagine.
And today I am proud to say that I feel some sense of self-actualization that I am doing something that means very much to me. That helps me grow as a person and as a human being. And I know that I’m clinically depressed and socially anxious, but the weight of all that is crushed by my passion for becoming a successful author in the future.
I really have improved. The sadness is still there often, but I don’t have suicidal thoughts anymore. Life has meaning. Life has purpose. And I feel so lucky that I’ve found love in literature. And I am so happy to be in the process of improving my craft every day as a creative writer.
So to all of you who support my writings. The quotes and the proses and the verses that I post here. I want to say thank you! Because your likes and feedbacks mean so much to me. It’s something that fuels me to keep moving and learning and writing.
And I hope that when I self-publish my poetry collection early next year most of the people here who regularly or occasionally support me will purchase my book and rate it and review it on Amazon and Goodreads. I’m really confident about the pieces that I have in my book right now. They’re over 100 never before seen pieces in my book now. I am excited to self-publish it to the world early next year.
So again to all of you who supports my writings. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! It really means so much to me. And I am happy to play with your emotions like a piano with both white keys and black keys. Because both keys matter. Happiness and sadness are equally important that’s all I have to say.
I’m now rambling, so I should probably stop right here. Haha. I wish you wellness in your life dear reader. Thank you for reading my literature.