Dealing With Derealization

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Sometimes the words I type feel unreal. Sometimes I think I’m losing my ability to write. I miss my old writer self when I was brave and playful and confident with my words. I wish I could turn back time and try to take it easy with myself. That the universe didn’t have to make sense to me. That I could’ve taken it one day at a time instead of burning myself out.

Someone once said that when you stretch your intellect beyond a certain point, you will crack up. And I think that’s what happened to me. I became so indulged with the power of creation that came with controlling the way that I think that made my mind crack. It’s now always anxious with or without reason. There isn’t a single day that it doesn’t think about death or the afterlife. It was trying to control the nature of my reality that sent me into a mental health facility.

I became so paranoid about something called “the butterfly effect” and how with every choice we make we create a different reality. With other lives that we’re leading. With other people we’re becoming. And I just want to be the perfect version of myself, but I feel like a failure nowadays. It’s hard to succeed when I’ve already lost my mind. And it’s even hard to live when everything I feel feels unreal.

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Hey

juansen

Hey, fellow writers/bloggers/humans/readers 🙂

I am somehow finished with my poetry collection manuscript, and it’s 300 pages and eleven thousand words. I might add or subtract some pieces in the future, but I think it’s really solid now. Haha. Finally. 🙂 

What really helped me with organizing my poetry collection were clear books. Lots and lots of clear books. PC folders. Lots and lots of PC folders. And coffee. Lots and lots of coffee that really heightened my productivity and anxiety for the past couple of days. And not to mention that I stayed awake for two straight days this week. (And I didn’t even take smart drugs) (And I don’t do smart drugs anymore)

Anyway, my poetry collection is going to be about depression, mental illness, love, loss, and self-love. And what’s really really making me sad and unexcited and anxious about this whole thing is the interior design.

You know….. things like: margins, spacing, fonts, and all of that. And I just can’t literally do it. And I’m really opting to just have it professionally done because I’m really bad in dealing with minor details. And I don’t want to blame myself in the future just in case I screw up with something. 

As for the book cover, a high school friend of mine is doing it for me. So I am really thankful for him. 

And I guess that’s it for now. 🙂 

Christmas is near. And I just wish all of you a merry merry Christmas! 🙂

101 Coping Skills for Writers With or Without Mental Illness

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  1. Start every day with a shower to feel more productive. 
  2. Exercise at least once a week.
  3. Change your desktop background picture. 
  4. Organize your personal computer’s files. 
  5. Eat a balanced diet. 
  6. Read an old book. 
  7. Watch your favorite TV show. 
  8. Watch your favorite movie.
  9. Watch a movie about writing. 
  10. Play video/computer games.
  11. Meet with an old friend.
  12. Listen to your favorite songs.
  13. Get a facial.
  14. Get a massage.
  15. Get a haircut.
  16. Plant some seeds.
  17. Write simple poetry.
  18. Watch Inspirational Ted Talks.
  19. Seek a therapist if you think or feel that you need one. 
  20. Buy a new book.
  21. Draw something. 
  22. Cry to release emotional tension.
  23. Play a musical instrument.
  24. Sing. 
  25. Get a fake tattoo.
  26. If you’re on any medications…. always remember to take them regularly. 
  27. Take a nap when you’re tired.
  28. Use FluxFlux to decrease your computer’s blue light at night so that you can sleep more comfortably at night.
  29. Pray.
  30. Find somebody to love forever.
  31. Know yourself more by taking The 16 Personalities Test
  32. Listen to new songs/artists. 
  33. Listen to someone else’s problems in life and sympathize with them. 
  34. List all your tasks for the day using Remember The Milk
  35. Be more efficient with your time using The Pomodoro Technique
  36. List down all your short-term goals and long-term goals in a notebook. 
  37. Join online discussions.
  38. Start a Goodreads account to track your reading progress and discover new books.
  39. Drink coffee.
  40. Drink lots of water.
  41. Buy a new coffee mug.
  42. Shop for new clothes.
  43. Shop for new pants.
  44. Shop for new shoes.
  45. Shop for new accessories.
  46. Shop for new undergarments.
  47. Shop for new house appliances. 
  48. Shop for new house furniture.
  49. Shop for anything you want under the sun.
  50. Save money.
  51. Rearrange your work place’s furniture. 
  52. Play with your pet.
  53. Clean your room or someone else’s room.
  54. Do nothing and just space out and think about the reason for human existence.
  55. Study the sky.
  56. Study the stars.
  57. Study the sun.
  58. Study the moon.
  59. Create a Twitter account.
  60. Create a Tumblr account.
  61. Create an Instagram account. 
  62. Save more time by using RescueTime and see the time you spent being unproductive on social media vs. being productive with time unspent on social media. 
  63. Use the world’s best writing tool Grammarly…. Get one-week free premium by using my free referral: http://gram.ly/rR5h 
  64. Watch funny videos on Youtube.
  65. Learn something new by taking an online course at Coursera
  66. Yoga.
  67. List the things you love about yourself. 
  68. List your gifts, talents, and skills.
  69. List the things you’re thankful for in your life.
  70. Think about self-publishing a book on Createspace via print by demand.
  71. Visit someone you care about and hug them by surprise. 
  72. Create a listopia. 
  73. Go to the beach.
  74. Go mountain climbing.
  75. Or just simply explore this world.
  76. Think of the things you always wanted to do and do them.
  77. Seek a support group if you think you have mental health problems like Clinical depression, Bipolar Disorder, Suicidal Tendencies, and so much more.
  78. Compliment someone for no reason.
  79. Smile at someone for no reason.
  80. Do an act of random kindness for no reason.
  81. Go to Church again.
  82. Call to Deliver Pizza. 
  83. Put band-aids on places you want to hurt yourself. 
  84. Call your local suicide hotline if you want to kill yourself.
  85. Know that your existence means a lot to the people who loves you and cares about you.
  86. Take a writing course online.
  87. Take a writing course offline.
  88. Do your makeup if you don’t feel beautiful but darling you are.
  89. Kiss someone somewhere they’ve never been kissed before.
  90. Visit your dentist for a regular teeth check-up.
  91. Have a blood test to see how your body is doing because health is wealth.
  92. Dance.
  93. Dance in the rain.
  94. Watch inspirational videos on Youtube about writing.
  95. Practice meditation.
  96. Try some aromatherapy. 
  97. Revisit old places to activate Nostalgia. 
  98. Tell you’re sorry to someone you’ve done wrong in the past.
  99. Forgive.
  100. Love.
  101. Live. 

Seven Months In Writing

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Hello, followers. I don’t really know what to say. Today is a very special day for me because in exactly seven months ago I started a blog on WordPress because I felt very hopeless in life. And in exactly seven months ago I dropped out of college. And in exactly seven months ago I started to write whatever I felt. I just considered writing to make me feel more self-aware of what I want in life and probably have a sense of organization and order in life.

But that changed slowly and slowly as I began to read books. Then I wrote more poetry. Then I wrote some short stories. I tried to write a novel. I failed to finish it halfway. I almost deleted this blog in the process of failing to complete the novel I was writing because the plot was very weak. Then I just wrote more poetry. And more poetry. And more poetry. Then I decided to advance my poetry writings into Tumblr. And then I created an Instagram. And then a Twitter account. And then a Facebook account which garnered me much publicity as a writer than I could ever imagine.

And today I am proud to say that I feel some sense of self-actualization that I am doing something that means very much to me. That helps me grow as a person and as a human being. And I know that I’m clinically depressed and socially anxious, but the weight of all that is crushed by my passion for becoming a successful author in the future.

I really have improved. The sadness is still there often, but I don’t have suicidal thoughts anymore. Life has meaning. Life has purpose. And I feel so lucky that I’ve found love in literature. And I am so happy to be in the process of improving my craft every day as a creative writer.

So to all of you who support my writings. The quotes and the proses and the verses that I post here. I want to say thank you! Because your likes and feedbacks mean so much to me. It’s something that fuels me to keep moving and learning and writing.

And I hope that when I self-publish my poetry collection early next year most of the people here who regularly or occasionally support me will purchase my book and rate it and review it on Amazon and Goodreads. I’m really confident about the pieces that I have in my book right now. They’re over 100 never before seen pieces in my book now. I am excited to self-publish it to the world early next year.

So again to all of you who supports my writings. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! It really means so much to me. And I am happy to play with your emotions like a piano with both white keys and black keys. Because both keys matter. Happiness and sadness are equally important that’s all I have to say.

I’m now rambling, so I should probably stop right here. Haha. I wish you wellness in your life dear reader. Thank you for reading my literature.