Warriors

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The strongest ones are the ones who have every reason to die but still live.

I Am The Architect of My Own Destruction, page 143

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I Am The Architect of My Own Destruction (Mid-July Sale)

Cover

Mid-July Sale
 
My new collection is now available for only $9 (originally $12)
 
You can purchase it here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1721578641
 
Wishing you all hope, love, and healing. ✿

I Am The Architect of My Own Destruction

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For those who feel suicidal, alone, destructive, broken, tired, lost, depressed, existential anxiety, pessimistic, detached from reality, sadly in love and the meaninglessness of human existence. This book is for you and me and for everyone who’s searching for survival, healing, recovery, and understanding.

I hope this poetry collection gives you the hope that you deserve. I hope this poetry collection brings out the dreamer that’s within your tender soul. I hope this poetry collection touches your heart in some way and encourage you to live your life despite the suffering because suicide is not a choice and there’s nothing selfish about wanting to end everything and all I’m simply saying is that you deserve to be okay and sometimes that’s better than happiness. 

Truthfully, I myself am not yet completely recovered, and I still feel suicidal sometimes, and it’s a very dark place to be in and I want you to know that I created this collection inside that very dark place and I still want to live because I choose to believe that I am loved even if I don’t matter much at all as a person. I choose to believe that I am loved and that matters. 🙂

I Am The Architect of My Own Destruction is available on Amazon. For every review, I promise to dedicate a piece of writing to you. 🙂

You can purchase the book here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1721578641 

For Goodreads users, you can leave a rating/review here: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40603073-i-am-the-architect-of-my-own-destruction 

I am deeply grateful for your support in this dark piece of my soul. 🙂

I wish you all hope, love, and healing. ✿ 

Exactly One Year Ago I Chose Life

Choose Life

Last year I was going through some really rough time. It was one of the worst suicidal moments in my life. I lost my sense of self. I was confused on who I really am as a person. I was just really lost and very depressed. I was vomiting, and I wasn’t eating because of all the anxiety that I was feeling. I was about to end it all by swallowing lots of paracetamol tablets, but I didn’t despite feeling like there was no end to the pain that I was feeling. 

What saved me was the thought that I can still express all my pain through poetry. And two books actually saved my life. It’s Kind of a Funny Story & All The Bright Places. Both novels inspired me to keep on living despite being suicidal and to share my story and my ideas when it comes to depression, self-love and healing on my debut poetry collection Confessions of a Wallflower

What also saved me was being with my family. That’s when I realized that there’s no greater anti-depressant than human love and connection. And that I am loved and that I will be missed if ever I did the act of suicide.

Thankfully I survived, and I am empowered to say that I am a suicide survivor.

When I Turned 20, That’s When My Anxiety Worsened

Peter Pan

I’m twenty now.

I should have figured out my life by now.

 

I should be at college finishing my majors, but I just feel like I can’t because of the constant anxiety that I am feeling. I should be enjoying my life, but here I am carrying so many regrets.

 

I should’ve created more art during my teenage years. I should’ve played less computer games. I should’ve tried to learn the guitar because I always wanted to play the guitar, but I didn’t persevere enough during childhood. I could’ve been the writer who plays the guitar.

 

How can one cope up with the loss of opportunities? And also the loss of time?

 

Maybe that’s why I am so anxious about the concept of choosing. And time running out like there’s none of it left to be who I want to be. And I am still not yet the person whom I want to be. My mind is a mess, and therefore my life is a mess.

 

I don’t believe that I deserve to suffer but ninety percent of my days I do and that is why I feel like killing myself. I feel like suicide is my ultimate real choice that will end this dark stream of thoughts that releases a burning sensation all throughout my body.

 

The only thing I believe in is the moments when I feel like I am getting better no matter how deceptive and untrue they may sometimes be. Because when it gets better, it gets worse again and it’s an annoying thing honestly. To feel hopeful only to feel hopeless again. But I guess that doesn’t mean that I should stop keeping at it.

 

I guess that I should just use everything that I have now to obtain everything that is meant to be mine. Because I still believe in fate. I still believe in destiny. And it is my dream to recover and be the best writer, the best son and the best human being that I can be.