Sad Friendship

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Find the people who experience the same kind of sadness. I promise they exist and they will understand.

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Yesterday I fell in love with a girl who carried melancholy in her heart with a mind just as messed up as mine. A girl who cared about my mental health. A girl who knew how many pills I’m on and still loves me anyway. A girl I remember lovely.

 

October 1, 2017

It was Sunday. You took a picture of us. We were both smiling. I think before you took the photo I read to you one of my poems, and I was so embarrassed because my poems aren’t meant to be read out loud, and that was the first time in my life I’ve read a poem out loud to someone.

 

You might be thinking why I still look at this old photo of us when I can be doing other things. It’s not because I miss you, Gab. It just makes me feel okay to remember that there was a time in my life when I loved someone so deeply and that I was loved back by that someone in return. And for a broken soul like me, it still brings wonder to my mind that I was capable of such a thing. A thing called love. And it gives me a sense of hope that maybe I can be a part of something that extraordinary again.

 

You are a memory to me, and I think sometimes that’s the best thing that one can do to the person they love. Make them a memory even if that memory contains pain. Sometimes pain is all that’s left in the aftermath of love, and I still hold on to that because that’s all I have left of you, Gab. And maybe that’s all you have left of me whenever you remember us making love just by holding hands while walking together at Manila Bay. Just watching the sunset while eating stonecold icecream. And I remember us crying. Maybe it was because we felt that even though we loved each other, we were toxic to each other. We had a skinny love relationship. You gave too much, and I took too much. I was too mentally unstable at that time, and that is why I only knew how to take love. To create it for myself is how I know that I do not know everything.

 

I think you would’ve done anything to keep me from my depression and that’s why I had to let you go. It’s fucked up. I’m fucked up. I destroyed myself when I pushed you away without saying a single goodbye. There are infinite forms of sadness in this world, and I’ve felt all of it all at once from the sadness of losing you.

 

Sometimes I see the moon smile, and I remember you lovely. Where do we keep the words we didn’t have the chance to say to each other? Where can I keep all these heartbreak when I can’t stop listening to the songs that remind me of you. I know that there are alternate realities out there playing out every possible storyline that our love could’ve been and I’m without you on this one.

 

Not even a thousand letters or poems can undo the damage that’s been done.

 

Dear Gab,

I’m sorry for everything. I’m a changed man now. I can control my obsessive-compulsive disorder better. I’m better now. I think I’m in the place they call recovery.

 

Dear Gab,

I miss kissing you.

 

Dear Gab,

Life has been terribly dark without you, and all the flowers seem to fade whenever I’m around.

 

Dear Gab,

I can’t seem to take the song Flightless Bird out of my head.

 

Dear Gab,

We can still fight for it.

 

Dear Gab,

I love you. You’re still the prettiest girl in the world.

Self-Cruelty

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I am very cruel to myself. I demand perfection, but I am very lazy. I want to become great, but I fear the result of becoming misunderstood. I desire to be loved, but I panic at the thought of becoming rejected. I yearn to heal, but I long for the things that destroy me in the end.

Understanding

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The thing I’m looking for the most in a relationship is not love but rather understanding. I just want someone who can basically stand being with me I guess. Someone who can accept the fact that there are days in my life that I won’t be able to get out of bed because I find no reason to live. Someone who can learn that loving me won’t be pretty because I detach from reality sometimes and it’s just hard to feel connected in times like that. I just want someone who can be aware of all of my defects and still love me not despite of them but because of them.

I just want to know that if one day I lose my mind we’d still be together no matter what. And we go to the beach together because that’s where I feel safe the most, and she tells me that everything’s going to be okay and that it’s okay to smile despite everything that’s going on in my head. And then she says my name, and it sounds different in her mouth, and I feel safe there. And then I tell her something that I’m terrified to tell her because I’m terrified that it will make her stop loving me but when I do it just makes her love me more.

 
Or I tell her something very dark and honest like wanting to kill myself, and she doesn’t panic, and we just talk about the things that have been bothering me, and she tells me that she believes in me because she believes that I am a very strong person despite being so fragile and vulnerable. She tells me that no matter what she’ll always understand. She tells me that no matter what she’ll always be there for me even in times when I need space. She tells me that her love for me would always be there waiting whenever I am ready.