And maybe in forty-something years, we’ll be living in a house across the sea.
You’ll be 62, and I’ll be 63.
I’ll be the one painting your fingernails because by then you’ll be having arthritis in your hands even if I’ll be having arthritis in my hands too.
We’ll be sitting in front of the ocean for a little while when all we can do is hold hands and how holding hands can still count as making love.
We’ll be holding hands whenever one of us remembers our sad youth. We’ll be holding hands whenever one of us remembers a regret, a mistake and none of it will really matter because by then we’d still have each other. We’ll be holding hands until the end of our golden days as we love each other so gently to teach our grandchildren how love is a kind of soft chaos that dances for all eternity.
We’ll be holding hands while soft dancing our way towards nothingness until it’s finally time for one of us to let go knowing how love was always meant to be.
But when you’re going through depression, you’ll think it will always be like this. You’ll think it will always be painful. You’ll think it will always be exhausting. You’ll think it will always be lifeless, restless, numbing and soul-crushing. You’ll think that the darkness will always be there until the sun rises in your life again and convinces you that nothing in this life is permanent including your sickness. Time heals all wounds even the invisible ones that feel like madness.
I know that a forest is made up of individual trees, but when I look at a forest, all I see is a forest. And that’s pretty much the same when it comes to my outlook in life. I just look at the bigger picture and summarize everything I see with pure feeling and intuition. Because I learned that when I try to make sense with tiny details of information—it kills me. And it’s really a challenge for me to live in a world filled with so much logic and explanation that it kills my own morals and perspectives in life—which gives life for me less meaning and beauty whenever I am faced with its harsh realities. Because sometimes I forget that bad things happen in this world whenever I think of it as a place filled with love and beauty.
Tiredness happens when what you love, what you prioritize and what you believe in are in total chaos with each other. To restore your energy is to wander back into your inner world for a day, a week or a month in order for you to attain some balance, mental clarity, and gentle strength to efficiently function as a calm, positive and creative human being once again.