Photographs

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Yesterday I fell in love with a girl who carried melancholy in her heart with a mind just as messed up as mine. A girl who cared about my mental health. A girl who knew how many pills I’m on and still loves me anyway. A girl I remember lovely.

 

October 1, 2017

It was Sunday. You took a picture of us. We were both smiling. I think before you took the photo I read to you one of my poems, and I was so embarrassed because my poems aren’t meant to be read out loud, and that was the first time in my life I’ve read a poem out loud to someone.

 

You might be thinking why I still look at this old photo of us when I can be doing other things. It’s not because I miss you, Gab. It just makes me feel okay to remember that there was a time in my life when I loved someone so deeply and that I was loved back by that someone in return. And for a broken soul like me, it still brings wonder to my mind that I was capable of such a thing. A thing called love. And it gives me a sense of hope that maybe I can be a part of something that extraordinary again.

 

You are a memory to me, and I think sometimes that’s the best thing that one can do to the person they love. Make them a memory even if that memory contains pain. Sometimes pain is all that’s left in the aftermath of love, and I still hold on to that because that’s all I have left of you, Gab. And maybe that’s all you have left of me whenever you remember us making love just by holding hands while walking together at Manila Bay. Just watching the sunset while eating stonecold icecream. And I remember us crying. Maybe it was because we felt that even though we loved each other, we were toxic to each other. We had a skinny love relationship. You gave too much, and I took too much. I was too mentally unstable at that time, and that is why I only knew how to take love. To create it for myself is how I know that I do not know everything.

 

I think you would’ve done anything to keep me from my depression and that’s why I had to let you go. It’s fucked up. I’m fucked up. I destroyed myself when I pushed you away without saying a single goodbye. There are infinite forms of sadness in this world, and I’ve felt all of it all at once from the sadness of losing you.

 

Sometimes I see the moon smile, and I remember you lovely. Where do we keep the words we didn’t have the chance to say to each other? Where can I keep all these heartbreak when I can’t stop listening to the songs that remind me of you. I know that there are alternate realities out there playing out every possible storyline that our love could’ve been and I’m without you on this one.

 

Not even a thousand letters or poems can undo the damage that’s been done.

 

Dear Gab,

I’m sorry for everything. I’m a changed man now. I can control my obsessive-compulsive disorder better. I’m better now. I think I’m in the place they call recovery.

 

Dear Gab,

I miss kissing you.

 

Dear Gab,

Life has been terribly dark without you, and all the flowers seem to fade whenever I’m around.

 

Dear Gab,

I can’t seem to take the song Flightless Bird out of my head.

 

Dear Gab,

We can still fight for it.

 

Dear Gab,

I love you. You’re still the prettiest girl in the world.

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Sold 100 Paperback Copies

Confessions of a Wallflower 💐

Thank you so much, everyone, who purchased a copy of my debut poetry collection Confessions of a Wallflower. It may not seem much compared to how many books other self-published authors sell, but for me, this is a sign from the stars that this book is a self-fulfilled success. This may be the dawn, the seed to potential future prosperities as a young author. From the deepest, darkest and most troubled parts of my soul, I am grateful to everyone who keeps on supporting me both as a writer and as a fellow human being. I just want you to know that I love you, my precious reader, because my journey into the literary world has helped me with my inner everyday struggle against anxiety and depression.

I know that sometimes I write really dark stuff, but I am really recovering from my mental illness. I’m on my way to a better place with all the techniques that I’ve learned in therapy such as mindfulness, socializing and getting out of the house and through the sheer belief that I will get better. I haven’t been suicidal for a few months now, and I believe that it does get better because there’s always hope no matter how dark life gets sometimes.

I’m going to self-publish another book of prose and poetry next year, and it will be about my dark experiences with obsessive-compulsive disorder, suicidal thoughts and self-destructive habits that caused me a great deal of anxiety. It will also be about my experiences in falling in and out of love with a girl who also experienced a great deal of anxiety. Finally, it will be about my continuous journey to healing, recovery and finding the meaning of existence through my own philosophies.

Thank you for taking the time to read, and I hope you have a lovely day. 🌷 I wish you hope, love, and healing. ✨

 

The boy who cries wolf,

Juansen Dizon ✿

Exactly One Year Ago I Chose Life

Choose Life

Last year I was going through some really rough time. It was one of the worst suicidal moments in my life. I lost my sense of self. I was confused on who I really am as a person. I was just really lost and very depressed. I was vomiting, and I wasn’t eating because of all the anxiety that I was feeling. I was about to end it all by swallowing lots of paracetamol tablets, but I didn’t despite feeling like there was no end to the pain that I was feeling. 

What saved me was the thought that I can still express all my pain through poetry. And two books actually saved my life. It’s Kind of a Funny Story & All The Bright Places. Both novels inspired me to keep on living despite being suicidal and to share my story and my ideas when it comes to depression, self-love and healing on my debut poetry collection Confessions of a Wallflower

What also saved me was being with my family. That’s when I realized that there’s no greater anti-depressant than human love and connection. And that I am loved and that I will be missed if ever I did the act of suicide.

Thankfully I survived, and I am empowered to say that I am a suicide survivor.

I Am Just A Dreamer

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I like to close my eyes sometimes and dream of the future.

 

I wake up one day, and I am mentally healthy. That I have won my battle against my mental illness. That things don’t bother me that much anymore. Like the butterfly effect, passing time, the number eight and thinking that I’m make-believe.

 

I wake up one day, and I just do the things that I do. I write the books that I want to write. I post the blog posts that I want to post. I run regularly under the deep blue sky while the sun shines on me like I am a flower that has survived wilting.

 

I wake up one day, and I’m just happy because I am healed, and I am living like it means something. I wake up one day, and I don’t even think about killing myself because life is full of possibilities that don’t scare me because every path in life is the right path. And if alternate realities exist then so what? That won’t stop me from trying to live this prime existence of mine fully.

 

I like to close my eyes sometimes and dream of the future. I like to open them not without a sense melancholy that I will eventually get better.

Recovery From OCD Rules (Effective September 30, 2017)

Butterflies

  1. There are no rules. This is a bar fight between my soul and my illness. Whatever it is that I need to do to deprive this doubtful beast of its food (compulsions) I will do.
  2. There are regulations, however. (see below)
  3. First, I will do frequent and consistent exposures. The pain coming from the anxiety will act as a sign that I am healing.
  4. Second, I will do recreational activities more such as bibliotherapy, writing therapy, film therapy, retail therapy, gaming therapy, etc. to reframe and refocus my mind on other things besides my obsessions.
  5. Third, I will not kill myself. I will try to innovate new tactics if I have to so that I can win this battle against this illness.
  6. Lastly, there will be no going back to old habits no matter how painful it would be. I need to heal somehow and recover before this year ends.

The Chaos of Choice

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Cheeseburger or double cheeseburger? Coke or Pepsi? To travel Asia or Europe? To marry or not to marry? To have kids or not to have kids? To have a dog or not to have a dog? To exercise or not to exercise? To choose the career that I love or money? To read a book or not to read a book? To love myself or not to love myself? To rent a house or to buy a house? To quit or not to quit? To smile or not to smile? To be kind or to be right? To learn the guitar or the piano? Each choice feels like opening another reality. Each choice feels like opening another door. What the fuck is the difference with all of these choices? How do we know if we’re still in control of who we really are as a person with free will when in an alternate reality we’ve made the exact opposite choice of what we did. How can we make the perfect choice to have more control and be the best versions of ourselves?

In memory of my beloved Game of Thrones Character, Petyr Baelish

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I loved him. I cried when they executed him. Such poor, poor writing. He could’ve demanded a trial by combat since he’s a lord and all, but he didn’t.

I love Littlefinger because I relate to some parts of him that just loved one girl his entire life that he couldn’t have. And that fuelled his ambition to acquire everything. And I’m also a person who wants everything because I couldn’t have this one girl that I deeply loved in the past.

I love Littlefinger because he’s neither evil or good. He’s just a neutral underdog who could’ve one day sit on the Iron Throne. I just can’t believe that he’s dead now.

I love Littlefinger because he’s the most poetic character in the show and here are some of my favorite quotes from him:

 

  1. A lot can happen between now and never.
  2. If you want to build a better home, first you must demolish the old one.
  3. Given the opportunity, what do we do to those who’ve hurt the ones we love?
  4. It doesn’t matter what we want. Once we get it, we want something else.
  5. Only by admitting what we are can we get what we want.
  6. Life is not a song, sweetling. You may learn that one day to your sorrow.
  7. The past is the past, the future is all that is worth discussing.
  8. The past is gone for good. You can sit here mourning its departure, or prepare for the future.
  9. Fight every battle, everywhere, always, in your mind.
  10. Every possible series of events is happening all at once.

 

I think I’m sure that I won’t watch the last season of Game of Thrones. In fact, I stopped watching after the scene Littlefinger died. His death and his memory will always be in my heart. For Littlefinger I will stay ambitious like him in my life. He is the one true ruler of the Seven Kingdoms. The mockingbird that will always live on in my life.

 

Hopefully, the incoming book is better than the show.