I Am Just A Dreamer

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I like to close my eyes sometimes and dream of the future.

 

I wake up one day, and I am mentally healthy. That I have won my battle against my mental illness. That things don’t bother me that much anymore. Like the butterfly effect, passing time, the number eight and thinking that I’m make-believe.

 

I wake up one day, and I just do the things that I do. I write the books that I want to write. I post the blog posts that I want to post. I run regularly under the deep blue sky while the sun shines on me like I am a flower that has survived wilting.

 

I wake up one day, and I’m just happy because I am healed, and I am living like it means something. I wake up one day, and I don’t even think about killing myself because life is full of possibilities that don’t scare me because every path in life is the right path. And if alternate realities exist then so what? That won’t stop me from trying to live this prime existence of mine fully.

 

I like to close my eyes sometimes and dream of the future. I like to open them not without a sense melancholy that I will eventually get better.

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Recovery From OCD Rules (Effective September 30, 2017)

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  1. There are no rules. This is a bar fight between my soul and my illness. Whatever it is that I need to do to deprive this doubtful beast of its food (compulsions) I will do.
  2. There are regulations, however. (see below)
  3. First, I will do frequent and consistent exposures. The pain coming from the anxiety will act as a sign that I am healing.
  4. Second, I will do recreational activities more such as bibliotherapy, writing therapy, film therapy, retail therapy, gaming therapy, etc. to reframe and refocus my mind on other things besides my obsessions.
  5. Third, I will not kill myself. I will try to innovate new tactics if I have to so that I can win this battle against this illness.
  6. Lastly, there will be no going back to old habits no matter how painful it would be. I need to heal somehow and recover before this year ends.

The Chaos of Choice

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Cheeseburger or double cheeseburger? Coke or Pepsi? To travel Asia or Europe? To marry or not to marry? To have kids or not to have kids? To have a dog or not to have a dog? To exercise or not to exercise? To choose the career that I love or money? To read a book or not to read a book? To love myself or not to love myself? To rent a house or to buy a house? To quit or not to quit? To smile or not to smile? To be kind or to be right? To learn the guitar or the piano? Each choice feels like opening another reality. Each choice feels like opening another door. What the fuck is the difference with all of these choices? How do we know if we’re still in control of who we really are as a person with free will when in an alternate reality we’ve made the exact opposite choice of what we did. How can we make the perfect choice to have more control and be the best versions of ourselves?

In memory of my beloved Game of Thrones Character, Petyr Baelish

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I loved him. I cried when they executed him. Such poor, poor writing. He could’ve demanded a trial by combat since he’s a lord and all, but he didn’t.

I love Littlefinger because I relate to some parts of him that just loved one girl his entire life that he couldn’t have. And that fuelled his ambition to acquire everything. And I’m also a person who wants everything because I couldn’t have this one girl that I deeply loved in the past.

I love Littlefinger because he’s neither evil or good. He’s just a neutral underdog who could’ve one day sit on the Iron Throne. I just can’t believe that he’s dead now.

I love Littlefinger because he’s the most poetic character in the show and here are some of my favorite quotes from him:

 

  1. A lot can happen between now and never.
  2. If you want to build a better home, first you must demolish the old one.
  3. Given the opportunity, what do we do to those who’ve hurt the ones we love?
  4. It doesn’t matter what we want. Once we get it, we want something else.
  5. Only by admitting what we are can we get what we want.
  6. Life is not a song, sweetling. You may learn that one day to your sorrow.
  7. The past is the past, the future is all that is worth discussing.
  8. The past is gone for good. You can sit here mourning its departure, or prepare for the future.
  9. Fight every battle, everywhere, always, in your mind.
  10. Every possible series of events is happening all at once.

 

I think I’m sure that I won’t watch the last season of Game of Thrones. In fact, I stopped watching after the scene Littlefinger died. His death and his memory will always be in my heart. For Littlefinger I will stay ambitious like him in my life. He is the one true ruler of the Seven Kingdoms. The mockingbird that will always live on in my life.

 

Hopefully, the incoming book is better than the show.

Dealing With Derealization

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Sometimes the words I type feel unreal. Sometimes I think I’m losing my ability to write. I miss my old writer self when I was brave and playful and confident with my words. I wish I could turn back time and try to take it easy with myself. That the universe didn’t have to make sense to me. That I could’ve taken it one day at a time instead of burning myself out.

Someone once said that when you stretch your intellect beyond a certain point, you will crack up. And I think that’s what happened to me. I became so indulged with the power of creation that came with controlling the way that I think that made my mind crack. It’s now always anxious with or without reason. There isn’t a single day that it doesn’t think about death or the afterlife. It was trying to control the nature of my reality that sent me into a mental health facility.

I became so paranoid about something called “the butterfly effect” and how with every choice we make we create a different reality. With other lives that we’re leading. With other people we’re becoming. And I just want to be the perfect version of myself, but I feel like a failure nowadays. It’s hard to succeed when I’ve already lost my mind. And it’s even hard to live when everything I feel feels unreal.

When I Turned 20, That’s When My Anxiety Worsened

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I’m twenty now.

I should have figured out my life by now.

 

I should be at college finishing my majors, but I just feel like I can’t because of the constant anxiety that I am feeling. I should be enjoying my life, but here I am carrying so many regrets.

 

I should’ve created more art during my teenage years. I should’ve played less computer games. I should’ve tried to learn the guitar because I always wanted to play the guitar, but I didn’t persevere enough during childhood. I could’ve been the writer who plays the guitar.

 

How can one cope up with the loss of opportunities? And also the loss of time?

 

Maybe that’s why I am so anxious about the concept of choosing. And time running out like there’s none of it left to be who I want to be. And I am still not yet the person whom I want to be. My mind is a mess, and therefore my life is a mess.

 

I don’t believe that I deserve to suffer but ninety percent of my days I do and that is why I feel like killing myself. I feel like suicide is my ultimate real choice that will end this dark stream of thoughts that releases a burning sensation all throughout my body.

 

The only thing I believe in is the moments when I feel like I am getting better no matter how deceptive and untrue they may sometimes be. Because when it gets better, it gets worse again and it’s an annoying thing honestly. To feel hopeful only to feel hopeless again. But I guess that doesn’t mean that I should stop keeping at it.

 

I guess that I should just use everything that I have now to obtain everything that is meant to be mine. Because I still believe in fate. I still believe in destiny. And it is my dream to recover and be the best writer, the best son and the best human being that I can be.

Where From Here?

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I ask myself this question a thousand times a day as I plan my next move or as I dream about the future.

 

Where from here?

 

I close my eyes and see everything I want.

And then I open my eyes and see that I am so close to wanting nothing at all.

 

I am anxious that I may fail as a writer.

I am anxious that my words aren’t good enough.

 

Where from here?

 

I choose the path that’s closest to my heart.

My heart is my compass, and my heart is all I’ll ever need.

 

 

Where from here?

 

In this journey called life, it’s important to just focus on the road ahead. The past is the past, and there’s no need to travel back to it.

It’s all about the future and the present moment.

It’s all about the powerful act of moving forward that’s necessary to live a lovely life.

 

Where from here?

 

The clock is ticking; I must make my choice.

Sometimes the best choice is to choose nothing at all.

Sometimes nothing is everything because anything becomes possible.

 

Where from here?

 

I don’t know.

I don’t know.

 

I want to be everywhere.

I want to experience all the multitudes in me.

 

Where from here?

 

I am tired.

I am broken.

 

Sometimes being lost is how we find our path.

Sometimes nowhere seems like a better destination than somewhere.