I’ve hated my father since I was 14 years old for all the abuse he put me through for so many years. Since I was 14 years old I told my mother on the day he dies I will be truly happy. It’s no surprise that Jansen feels the same way when he goes through his episodes. I was the first one to become mentally ill which was also triggered by him. He choked me. Told me he liked doing it while doing it. He did the same to Jansen when he also became bipolar. And we both agreed at some point that his death will somehow be a relief to the both of us. It’s hard to fake everything with someone who has caused you severe trauma. It’s funny that he’s a Christian. By the way, I’m not a Christian. I gave it a shot until I became a nihilist when I was nineteen. It wasn’t a choice, but sometimes I think that suicidal people turn to nihilism. But that’s another story, and I think this is enough to get out of my chest. Writing is better than breaking things. Writing saved me from breaking things. But that’s also another story.
June 30, 2018. ✿ I will make it available for pre-order soon. Thank you so much for those who want to purchase this. 🙂 I’m going through a lot of pain right now, and this is the only thing that feels a little bit bright. So yeah, I am deeply thankful. ✿
I passed by Camille’s house on the way home to Manila.
I bought a hotdog sandwich and a minute maid orange juice at 7-Eleven. Then I wrote what I really felt about her in my journal then ripped the page.
She makes me heal.
She makes me love her.
She makes me want to live.
I told her sister not to wake her up and let her know that I passed by to say good morning. I placed the breakfast and the love note on the dining table.
Her father was outside, and he smiled at me for the first time. Like a genuine smile. The smile that you can see in a person’s eyes and he was smiling with his eyes. That didn’t make me smile sadly but deep inside that was a very happy moment for me.
On the way home I wanted to cry because I was both very happy and very sad at the same time. I brought some books with me to read from my cousin’s house, but I didn’t feel like reading them because I didn’t want to be smudged with new feelings. Have you ever felt like that? Like you don’t want to watch a film or listen to a song for a while to protect a moment that’s still dancing with the feeling that you love which is burning in your soul.
I don’t know. I haven’t felt this before. I’m supposed to be in the state of okay for that’s the place people go when they’re feeling both very happy and very sad at the same time.
So what got me sad? I just wanted to go home. I just wanted to go to bed and close my eyes and imagine her with me in bed both cuddled up and warm. Her eyes that make me think of the sun that I’d go blind for staring too long feeling a little bit afraid that she may finally see that I’m really broken. Perhaps unlovable even. Her lips that make me think of all the good there is in this reality for she loves me but I’m not really sure for how long and it scares the shit out of me. I try to think of a word that’s closest to home, and the only thing that I could think of is her name.
Perhaps I am the reason for my own sadness. And I think she’s the brightest star in my life. I guess that’s why I’m sometimes terrified that when I go back to sleep and make the feel of the bed feel like the grass she and I laid down on that field. I’m afraid to wake up without her by my side. And that the brightest star in my life was just a passing comet.
So if she is just a passing comet and I am simply a fading flower at that field then I wish for her to shine more brilliantly for that’s her—she’s brilliant and so much more than the word beautiful. Sometimes she’s even so much more than what poetry could ever define.
Hey. It’s me Juansen, and I am 21 years old, and I’d like to express that I am genuinely healing from manic depression. I don’t have that many extreme highs and extreme lows anymore. I deeply believe that I’m walking through the fields of recovery. And I’d love to share this journey with you all (my beloved readers) who sometimes I think I don’t deserve much love from but I guess the universe has this way of giving each one of us something to be happy for no matter how big or small that something is.
So how’s your heart? How’s your mind? I love you all and to those who feel like they’re on the edge of the abyss just hold on. You’re loved despite the sadness. Let’s be friends. Let’s be friends and walk each other home. ❤❤❤
I am here for you: https://www.facebook.com/juansenrynedizon ✿
Here’s an interview that I did with Esthete Magazine: https://www.esthetemagazine.com/zine/conversation-with-juansen-dizon ❤ Check it out. 🙂
Happy National Poetry Month to you all. I’ve been feeling nothing lately like everything I do feels pointless which isn’t doing me any good. I’m currently in the process of creating my next collection which tackles about the loneliness of human existence and self-destruction, suicidal feelings, being in an unhealthy relationship, my mental illness and how I’m recovering through the art of mindfulness and overall it’s about finding hope and growth and stars and flowers and beauty and survival despite the meaningless of life and finding the meaning to my own suffering.
Confessions of a Wallflower isn’t a book that I’m entirely proud of, and maybe it’s because I write differently now compared to my 19-year-old self, but I’m still happy that I did create this book even if some parts of it makes me cringe at the here and now. I hope you consider purchasing it to support my life as a writer/poet as I pour my soul in creating my next collection.
To the hundreds who have read, I am deeply grateful. ❤ Love, Juansen. ✿
I’ve heard somewhere that happiness is flow and the things we look forward to doing. So here’s a short list of mine for 2018.
- I am looking forward to going to the beach as many times as I can this year.
- I am looking forward to my swimming lessons this summer.
- I am looking forward to my 21st birthday.
- I am looking forward to releasing two new collections this year.
- I am looking forward to giving a flower to someone on Valentine’s Day.
- I am looking forward to giving and receiving gifts on Christmas Day.
- I am looking forward to Mental Health Awareness Month.
- I am looking forward to National Poetry Month.
- I am looking forward to surviving days when I’ll get the deepest blues.
- I am looking forward to surviving nights when I get the darkest thoughts.
- I am looking forward to growing day by day as a writer.
- I am looking forward to growing day by day as a person.
- I am looking forward to reading at least 30 books this year.
- I am looking forward to discovering new music.
- I am looking forward to discovering new authors.
- I am looking forward to having new readers every day.
- I am looking forward to getting a domain for this site once I get 100,000 hits.
- I am looking forward to watching the next season of Mr. Robot.
- I am looking forward to watching the next season of Better Call Saul.
- I am looking forward to watching movies with my best friend.
- I am looking forward to having a picnic with my mother and brother.
- I am looking forward to solar/lunar eclipses.
- I am looking forward to meeting the sad girl of my life.
- I am looking forward to recovering day by day as a person with OCD.
- I am looking forward to recovering day by day as a human being.
- I am looking forward to mastering the powerful art of mindfulness.
- I am looking forward to creating many more perfect days.
- I am looking forward to creating new poems, prose, quotes, and articles day by day.
- I am looking forward to finding the absolute feeling.
- I am looking forward to achieving greatness.