July 8, 2018

I’ve hated my father since I was 14 years old for all the abuse he put me through for so many years. Since I was 14 years old I told my mother on the day he dies I will be truly happy. It’s no surprise that Jansen feels the same way when he goes through his episodes. I was the first one to become mentally ill which was also triggered by him. He choked me. Told me he liked doing it while doing it. He did the same to Jansen when he also became bipolar. And we both agreed at some point that his death will somehow be a relief to the both of us. It’s hard to fake everything with someone who has caused you severe trauma. It’s funny that he’s a Christian. By the way, I’m not a Christian. I gave it a shot until I became a nihilist when I was nineteen. It wasn’t a choice, but sometimes I think that suicidal people turn to nihilism. But that’s another story, and I think this is enough to get out of my chest. Writing is better than breaking things. Writing saved me from breaking things. But that’s also another story. 

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I Am The Architect of My Own Destruction

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For those who feel suicidal, alone, destructive, broken, tired, lost, depressed, existential anxiety, pessimistic, detached from reality, sadly in love and the meaninglessness of human existence. This book is for you and me and for everyone who’s searching for survival, healing, recovery, and understanding.

I hope this poetry collection gives you the hope that you deserve. I hope this poetry collection brings out the dreamer that’s within your tender soul. I hope this poetry collection touches your heart in some way and encourage you to live your life despite the suffering because suicide is not a choice and there’s nothing selfish about wanting to end everything and all I’m simply saying is that you deserve to be okay and sometimes that’s better than happiness. 

Truthfully, I myself am not yet completely recovered, and I still feel suicidal sometimes, and it’s a very dark place to be in and I want you to know that I created this collection inside that very dark place and I still want to live because I choose to believe that I am loved even if I don’t matter much at all as a person. I choose to believe that I am loved and that matters. 🙂

I Am The Architect of My Own Destruction is available on Amazon. For every review, I promise to dedicate a piece of writing to you. 🙂

You can purchase the book here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1721578641 

For Goodreads users, you can leave a rating/review here: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40603073-i-am-the-architect-of-my-own-destruction 

I am deeply grateful for your support in this dark piece of my soul. 🙂

I wish you all hope, love, and healing. ✿ 

Let’s Connect 🌷🌷🌷

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Hey. It’s me Juansen, and I am 21 years old, and I’d like to express that I am genuinely healing from manic depression. I don’t have that many extreme highs and extreme lows anymore. I deeply believe that I’m walking through the fields of recovery. And I’d love to share this journey with you all (my beloved readers) who sometimes I think I don’t deserve much love from but I guess the universe has this way of giving each one of us something to be happy for no matter how big or small that something is.

So how’s your heart? How’s your mind? I love you all and to those who feel like they’re on the edge of the abyss just hold on. You’re loved despite the sadness. Let’s be friends. Let’s be friends and walk each other home. ❤❤❤

I am here for you: https://www.facebook.com/juansenrynedizon 

Confessions of a Wallflower (Last Promotion) 💐💐💐

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Confessions of a Wallflower is my first poetry collection. I published this tender part of my soul when I was nineteen. I am 21 now, and a lot has changed for me. Confessions of a Wallflower is a really sad piece of literature but at the same time romantic, hopeful and deeply personal. It’s simply about surviving severe depression which until this day is not an easy task. Confessions of a Wallflower is really cheap for 300 pages, and it’s very easy to read. I only receive half a dollar for every person who chooses to purchase the book (it costs $9), and it’s not really about the money for me to be honest. It’s about something much greater like spreading hope because sometimes that’s the most powerful thing. So yeah this might be the last time I’ll promote Confessions of a Wallflower, and I suck at advertising or marketing or whatever. And if there’s only one thing I can say about this piece of literature, it’s this: it has been loved all over the world, and I am deeply grateful for everyone who has read it. The next collection I’ll be releasing soon will be very dark, simplistic and personal. I love you all. ✿

You can purchase Confessions of a Wallflower here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1542396859 ✿

Sad But Hopeful Lost Souls

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I’ve never been optimistic, but I’ve always been hopeful. The thing about optimism is that you always have to look at the bright side and be happy all the time. I think some people have lost their minds trying to positive think their way out of everything that they forget to take care of their malnourished souls. Being happy all the time is not mental health. It’s bullshit. People get tired, and so they rest. People get sad, and so they cry. People get mad, and so they go out with other people who go mad and drink all their craziness away. It’s a beautiful thing to go crazy sometimes you know because by then you become lost and that’s how you find yourself.