I’m going to die one day. And that fact alone should force me to live my life to the fullest. But I’m the opposite way around. I want to die because I am consistently eaten up by nothingness.
—Confessions of a Wallflower, page 69
Only a few people know what it feels like to be artistically broken hearted. Not being good enough of a writer or a painter or a musician. Or not being able to catch a break and being forced to do something else that is economically stable. And it’s hard. Because the life of a creative is all about expression. And without having to be happy in what you love to do best is a nightmare. It truly is a nightmare.
Read the book that’s best for you.
If you’re living with depression, read a novel about depression. If you’re heartbroken, read a novel about unrequited love. If you’re feeling suicidal or hopeless, read a depressing poetry collection, and in a weird way, it’ll give you some hope. And that’s what literature is all about, understanding and knowing that your pain, your suffering is universal.
- I am learning that I can never truly be perfect no matter how hard I try. Instead, I am learning that I can always be growing no matter how hard it is to do so when every single moment of every day is filled with doubts and irrational fears.
- I am learning that every negative thought that comes into my head is out of my control. What I do have control at is how I give them meaning.
- I am learning that exposing myself to my irrational fears is how I’ll get better.
- I am learning that change, no matter how scary it is, for me, is a good thing.
- I am learning that letting go of control and letting things be is the best thing that one can do at the end of the day.
- I am learning that there will be days when I’ll be stressed and not manage well but as the saying goes, “this too shall pass,” And I’ll just have to keep moving forward.
June 25, 2017, I was admitted to The One Algon Place because I tried to kill myself. I just couldn’t handle the anxiety that I was experiencing on a daily basis.
During my stay at Algon, I learned, rediscovered and experienced a lot of things. First, I learned how to wash my clothes in my first week. I learned how to interact better with people even though I’m a very introverted person. I also learned how to control my obsessions better by trying to be okay with uncertainty and letting go of the thoughts that I think aren’t healthy for me and as well as focusing myself on the present.
Second, I rediscovered my passion for singing. And people really did tell me that I have a nice voice when we had our music therapy session during my second week of stay there. I’m thinking that I should enhance it more by having voice lessons in the future as it will also serve as a form of therapy to me.
Third, I experienced the wonderful community that helped me put my brain back into its right spot. I made so many friends who are also struggling with all sorts of mental illnesses, and that made me feel less alone with the challenges that I face every single moment of every day.
So to all of my fellow students/patients at Algon, I wish you all the love, hope and healing in the world.
I am now and always forever changed.