A Funeral In My Heart

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Loneliness is having a party
in my mind again and that’s okay.

 
I am surrounded 
by souls.

 
Some treat me like
sunlight and some treat me like
moonlight.

 
I cry myself to sleep
and no one knows that the truth
about loneliness is that it protects
ones heart from everything but itself.

 
There’s a funeral in my heart, 
and the casket is too small for my
childish soul that screams ‘Let me out!’

 
I want to live without thinking
about who will miss me when I’m gone
because I’m tired of writing all these goodbye
letters that mean nothing without a recipient.

 
There’s a funeral in my heart
and there are no flowers because 
nobody wants to give flowers to a suicide.

 
I wish I can say sorry for being 
so selfish but that would mean apologizing
for the nights I’ve tried to hold it all together
like rebuilding Rome for a day—I have nothing to say.

 
There’s a funeral in my heart
and I am all alone here with the lights closed
because the window might glow and I am not light.

 
I am not light.

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August 9, 2018

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I understand actually, what it’s like to feel like the only way to understand the pain is to self-destruct. Real family or friends aren’t there all the time for me and most of the time loneliness consumes me when they’re nowhere to be found. That’s why there’s cigarettes, drugs, and alcohol because sometimes I don’t have that option that others have which is to reach out. But when I finally have the chance to talk to someone I don’t. I have a problem with trusting people, and I love sleeping pills too much.

One Day

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One day nothing will make sense, and you will be okay.

There will be art that you haven’t expressed to the world. And there will be someone that you loved who’s now living their happily ever after with someone else because somewhere down the line you disappointed that person and all you could do now is to hope that they’re happy and that they find everything that they’re looking for.

There will be loneliness in your heart and some madness in your mind. And there will be places you wish you’ve been to when you still had your youth, but you were so busy saving up for some stuff that you thought would fill your void. And all you’re left now are some things that don’t carry memories—only sorrow for caring too much about what other people thought of you back then.

There will be a lot of things you’ve started but never dared to finish for the fear of failure and you’ll be shaking your head on why you had to worry so much like you had something to lose. And there will be lots of too late wishes like you could’ve been happier if you took more risks, if you were just more grateful with what you had back then, if you were just more playful with your gifts—you could’ve been living your dream instead of supporting someone else’s dream.

If you’re reading this and you’re still young, you’ve got to fight for your existence. There will come a time when your life will flashback right before your very eyes. And I hope that you make good and meaningful decisions because at the end of the day it all boils down to your decisions for they are the little things that make you who you are and you are beautiful. Don’t let the concept of forever and having just one more chance stop you from becoming the person you want to be. Because there’s no forever and you only have one chance to play it all out until it becomes memory.