June 19, 2017


How can I fix my mind if my mind is where the problem is in the first place? It’s getting hard to live day by day when all I could think of is my death. Along with a negative stream of irrational thoughts that haunts me minute after minute after minute.

Do I have free will? Does the butterfly effect cause alternate realities to exist where I could’ve been perfect? Is choosing death the ultimate real choice to freedom?

I’ve been walking around my room back and forth back and forth several times a day feeling very restless and angry. Contemplating about my death. Smashing ice cubes and hangers on to the wall. Arranging and rearranging things. Shouting occasionally.

It isn’t enough that I am understood by the people who love me. I am suffering and there’s no cure to my thought process. Some days I don’t even feel like anything exists. Some days I don’t even feel like I’m the real me.

I am powerless. I am flight. I am panic. I am anxiety. I am a soul that would eventually be set free from this world.

Happy December


Happy December everyone! 🙂 

I’m feeling much better this week, and I have a feeling that December would be warm and blissful because of Christmas. Which means giving and receiving gifts and being surrounded by family. 

I think I should have a haircut and buy some new clothes because I want to look okay during my favorite season of the year.

At the same time, I’m pushing in finalizing the arrangement of the poems and proses in my poetry collection before the second week of December starts. 

It will be about love, loss, depression, and healing. And I will self-publish via Createspace by February next year. So I am really filled with hope because the future seems bright not because of expected success but because of expected learning experience that will help me understand the world of authorship more in the future. 

So that’s just about it. Haha. 🙂 It’s actually in this simple happy times in my life that I should remind myself that it wouldn’t always be like this. That life is always changeable. And that is the one constant in this universe. Change. So whatever happens, happens. Because there is always hope despite my depression and anxiety. And remind myself of one of my favorite phrase or affirmation:

I am forever changed.

I am forever changed.

I am forever changed.

I am forever changed.