Exactly One Year Ago I Chose Life

Choose Life

Last year I was going through some really rough time. It was one of the worst suicidal moments in my life. I lost my sense of self. I was confused on who I really am as a person. I was just really lost and very depressed. I was vomiting, and I wasn’t eating because of all the anxiety that I was feeling. I was about to end it all by swallowing lots of paracetamol tablets, but I didn’t despite feeling like there was no end to the pain that I was feeling. 

What saved me was the thought that I can still express all my pain through poetry. And two books actually saved my life. It’s Kind of a Funny Story & All The Bright Places. Both novels inspired me to keep on living despite being suicidal and to share my story and my ideas when it comes to depression, self-love and healing on my debut poetry collection Confessions of a Wallflower

What also saved me was being with my family. That’s when I realized that there’s no greater anti-depressant than human love and connection. And that I am loved and that I will be missed if ever I did the act of suicide.

Thankfully I survived, and I am empowered to say that I am a suicide survivor.

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The Girl I Love

Inspired by Lang Leav’s “Choose Love” 

juansen-nicole

My mother told me when I was young that there are two types of girls that will love me:

1. The girl who makes me happy but makes me feel unloved.
2. The girl who makes me sad but makes me feel loved.

She told me that on rare occasions I’d find both qualities in one girl. But not every boy is lucky to find both qualities in one girl. So if I ever have to choose between the two, she told me, to always choose the girl who makes me happy because that’s what she always wanted for me.

Yet I don’t want a girl who makes me happy. I want a girl who makes me feel loved. So if I ever have to choose between the two, I will always choose the girl who makes me sad.

Book Review: It’s Kind Of A Funny Story

It’s Kind Of A Funny Story

“People are screwed up in this world. I’d rather be with someone screwed up and open about it than somebody perfect and ready to explode.”

I don’t know where to start. I can’t even get the characters out of my head. Especially the Craig and Noelle romance. Wow.

It’s sad, romantic, humorous, and very honest in the eyes of a clinically depressed person like me.

And I was right that it ends with a good ending. The synopsis at the back of the book spoiled it in a way.

What’s special about this book is its simplicity from start to finish. And again, it’s very honest in a funny and humorous way.

But I have to be honest too and say that this is one of those books where life and fiction can be so close, yet so far away. And with these kinds of books, it’s truly hard to grasp if there was something to be learned simply because it was full of meaning.

Yet we still have to choose between life and fiction. And for me, I choose fiction. Fiction is what I live for. Life could be a nightmare sometimes, as Craig Gilner would say. And I found my anchor (A term he uses for something clinically depressed people do to cope up and hold on to life), and it’s writing.

This is a novel that would really help me a lot with my own novel because of its similarities. It’s not stealing I guess. I think writers evolve by mixing up their own style with other writers style which would result into a sparkling cocktail of a new and unique style.

It didn’t inspire me just to write more. But it inspired to live more.

And as usual, I’ll end with a closing quote 🙂

“Sometimes I just think depression’s one way of coping with the world. Like, some people get drunk, some people do drugs, some people get depressed. Because there’s so much stuff out there that you have to do something to deal with it.”

Books I Read: It’s Kind Of A Funny Story

It’s Kind Of A Story

Synopsis:

Ambitious New York City teenager Craig Gilner is determined to succeed at life—which means getting into the right high school to get into the right college to get the right job. But once Craig aces his way into Manhattan’s Executive Pre-Professional Highschool, the pressure becomes unbearable. He stops eating and sleeping until, one night, he nearly kills himself.

Craig’s suicidal episode gets him checked into a mental hospital, where his new neighbors include a transsexual sex addict, a girl who scarred her own face with scissors, and the self-elected President Armelio. There, Craig is finally able to confront the sources of his anxiety.

The book’s synopsis somehow spoils the book itself to be honest. Haha. It gives you the presumption that it ends with a good ending which I think it will since I’m nearly finished with the book.

I’m currently at page 400/444.

I started reading this book yesterday, and I’m sure I’ll finish this book tonight because I’m really hooked on this amazing book.

I’m currently downloading the film adaptation which hopefully wouldn’t disappoint me. I think it won’t because the foreword praised the film adaptation.

Surprisingly, this book is much cheaper than Silver Linings Playbook. It cost me $10 compared to Silver Linings Playbook which is $15.

It’s Kind Of A Funny Story for me is high in rereadability (even though I’m not yet finished reading the whole novel), if that’s even a real word.

And the author killed himself 2 years ago which was something I expected when I read the synopsis for the first time. Is that weird? I googled Ned Vizzini’s name only to see if he died by committing suicide (Which the character in the book was supposed to) like the other mental health authors do. Is that also weird? I think it is, in a good way. Hehehe.

As a clinically depressed person, I can really connect with this book on a much deeper level than the other mental health books I’ve read in the past 🙂