Loneliness is having a party
in my mind again and that’s okay.
I am surrounded
Some treat me like
sunlight and some treat me like
I cry myself to sleep
and no one knows that the truth
about loneliness is that it protects
ones heart from everything but itself.
There’s a funeral in my heart,
and the casket is too small for my
childish soul that screams ‘Let me out!’
I want to live without thinking
about who will miss me when I’m gone
because I’m tired of writing all these goodbye
letters that mean nothing without a recipient.
There’s a funeral in my heart
and there are no flowers because
nobody wants to give flowers to a suicide.
I wish I can say sorry for being
so selfish but that would mean apologizing
for the nights I’ve tried to hold it all together
like rebuilding Rome for a day—I have nothing to say.
There’s a funeral in my heart
and I am all alone here with the lights closed
because the window might glow and I am not light.
I am not light.
Allow yourself to love. Allow yourself to suffer. Allow yourself to change. And allow yourself to move on.
go inside my heart, and
you will find flowers there.
go inside my heart
and water each one of them.
remind them that you love me and
that i am lovely.
that you are the gardener of my soul.
remind them that every time they wilt—
they will always bloom again.
allow me to enter inside your heart,
and i will do the same for your flowers there.
I exert considerable effort now to keep my depression distant like how the sun is to the moon. I practice mindfulness now, and I am aware whenever I feel de-energized, depressed and anxious. I just observe these feelings and tell myself that it’s just my mental illness and I should never confuse my biology with my true self. And I am a smart, creative and loving person who just happens to have a chemical imbalance in the brain. I love writing poetry. I love spending time with my family. I love going to the beach. These are the things that make me who I am. Love is the reason why I get out of bed in the morning. Love is the reason why I have this strong commitment to recovering from being suicidal, isolated and self-destructive. Love is the reason why I have this strong desire to change my life for the better. I jog at least half an hour a day because releasing endorphins is just freaking great. I forgive myself now for the little things. Even my father. I have a haircut once every two weeks because I notice that when I look in the mirror and feel handsome—my whole being feels lovely. I text my best friend. I tell him that I’m still fighting my depression. I tell him that I’m doing okay. I eat healthy foods, and I have a schedule every day for my life, and I’m fucking accomplishing things. I’m going out of the house more often now. I’m not that afraid anymore. I’m really making progress. I’m free from the four corners of my dark room and realize that it doesn’t have to be my prison anymore. I can simply choose to go outside and smell the yellow flowers and tell them that I love them. Because I am growing like them. Because I am beautiful like them. And I am grateful for my struggle because it has taught me that I am more resilient than I think. I listen to a song, and I just keep on hoping that things will get better because I am working on it every single day to choose the things that are best for my healing. And let myself be enough.