The Best Day of Your Life

child-walking-on-beach

The best day of your life might be you spending it alone and finding that everyone all around you is fundamentally alone. It is when you feel a sort of euphoric loneliness that you as a human being have struggled all its way into existence finding love in all the wrong places and acceptance in all the wrong people. It is when you’re sitting at a café drinking black coffee near the house across your street that you realize that everyone is going to die. Whether they’re rich or not. Whether they’re popular or not. Whether they’ve finished college or not. It is when you no longer care about people’s opinions about you. About the kinds of clothes you wear. About the types of songs, you listen to. About what you really want to do with this small little life of yours as you choose to follow your heart. And you realize that there is no reason not to follow your heart because from the moment you’ve been born you’re already dying. So you quit wasting years waiting for that certain phone call, letter, or kiss to make everything feel alright again because everything will never be the same in your life again. Every choice you made in life has both created you and destroyed you into the broken but resilient person that you are today. And you realize that you only have one chance to play everything out until it’s gone and absorbed into oblivion. And you realize that you’ve been so fucking hurt for so fucking long because no one but you has cared about you all along. And you realize that loneliness is so fucking universal because everyone’s got their own misery and everyone’s got their own pain, and everyone’s going to leave everyone sooner or later just because that’s the nature of things. And you realize that you’re not special and neither anyone is. Everyone is just everyone in their own silly costumes in this silly joke party called life. And you realize that loneliness isn’t that a bad thing after all because everyone becomes everyone. Like how you’re also your mother’s first heartbreak. Like how you’re also your best friend’s mental health issues and how she tends to isolate herself from the ones she loves from time to time. Like how you’re also your father’s last breath as he slowly but silently slipped away from this sad existence that’s surprisingly as similar as yours. And now finally, finally you realize that you’re going to die as this tragic and fragile being back into the dust of the earth of which you came from. So you finish drinking your black coffee, and you just walk as you think of how you’re slowly shedding your youth second by second. As you think of how you’re slowly losing people from your life because each of them has to die and you forget about them just like how people will forget about you once your turn comes to die. And now you realize that you’re just walking and walking and walking. Just passing time. Just trying to find a place or a person to call home but there isn’t going to be one, and you know it. And you’re just walking. Just passing time. Minute by minute. Hour by hour. Day by day. Moment by moment. You’re just walking. And you reach a point where you feel tired, but you still keep on moving and living with no destination. You’re just walking now for the sake of walking. Just passing time. And now it’s your time. Your shining moment. Your curtain call. It is now the best day of your life. It is when you die and laugh and realize that none of it really mattered, but still, you never gave up. And you lived.

Advertisements

The Chaos of Choice

aesthetic-art-drawing-hand-Favim.com-3386687

Cheeseburger or double cheeseburger? Coke or Pepsi? To travel Asia or Europe? To marry or not to marry? To have kids or not to have kids? To have a dog or not to have a dog? To exercise or not to exercise? To choose the career that I love or money? To read a book or not to read a book? To love myself or not to love myself? To rent a house or to buy a house? To quit or not to quit? To smile or not to smile? To be kind or to be right? To learn the guitar or the piano? Each choice feels like opening another reality. Each choice feels like opening another door. What the fuck is the difference with all of these choices? How do we know if we’re still in control of who we really are as a person with free will when in an alternate reality we’ve made the exact opposite choice of what we did. How can we make the perfect choice to have more control and be the best versions of ourselves?

Choices

birds_flying_with_the_sun_by_jrhorvath-d2y4ka4

Where do our decisions come from? They’re like a random sprinkle of rain on a hot summer day. How do we know if we’ve had collected the right data to act on a certain decision when in fact everything is infinite in our imaginations?

 

I find myself playing all the variables in my mind every time I make the simplest decision. I’m an extreme worrier. I do feel like I’m losing my mind sometimes. Even just typing these words right now are decisions and it bewilders me how naturally they just go through the pages.

 

So what is choice?  

 

 

In my own definition, choice is the basic proof that we have free will and with free will came chaos. Chaos because choice for me is the anxiety that comes before we act on a certain decision.

 

The anxiety of “what if”

 

What if we’re not wearing the right clothes?

What if we’re not acting the right way in front of people?

What if we’re not doing the best that we can to be the person that we want to be?

 

And it’s scary. To ruminate over the same things over and over again just because everything we do is forever done.

 

I should just be like a bird and just fly and fly and fly and be free on a hot, rainy summer day.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

“Every path is the right path. Everything could have been everything else, and it will have just as much meaning.”

—Mr. Nobody

Where From Here?

crossroads

I ask myself this question a thousand times a day as I plan my next move or as I dream about the future.

 

Where from here?

 

I close my eyes and see everything I want.

And then I open my eyes and see that I am so close to wanting nothing at all.

 

I am anxious that I may fail as a writer.

I am anxious that my words aren’t good enough.

 

Where from here?

 

I choose the path that’s closest to my heart.

My heart is my compass, and my heart is all I’ll ever need.

 

 

Where from here?

 

In this journey called life, it’s important to just focus on the road ahead. The past is the past, and there’s no need to travel back to it.

It’s all about the future and the present moment.

It’s all about the powerful act of moving forward that’s necessary to live a lovely life.

 

Where from here?

 

The clock is ticking; I must make my choice.

Sometimes the best choice is to choose nothing at all.

Sometimes nothing is everything because anything becomes possible.

 

Where from here?

 

I don’t know.

I don’t know.

 

I want to be everywhere.

I want to experience all the multitudes in me.

 

Where from here?

 

I am tired.

I am broken.

 

Sometimes being lost is how we find our path.

Sometimes nowhere seems like a better destination than somewhere.