The Chaos of Choice

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Cheeseburger or double cheeseburger? Coke or Pepsi? To travel Asia or Europe? To marry or not to marry? To have kids or not to have kids? To have a dog or not to have a dog? To exercise or not to exercise? To choose the career that I love or money? To read a book or not to read a book? To love myself or not to love myself? To rent a house or to buy a house? To quit or not to quit? To smile or not to smile? To be kind or to be right? To learn the guitar or the piano? Each choice feels like opening another reality. Each choice feels like opening another door. What the fuck is the difference with all of these choices? How do we know if we’re still in control of who we really are as a person with free will when in an alternate reality we’ve made the exact opposite choice of what we did. How can we make the perfect choice to have more control and be the best versions of ourselves?

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a prayer

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i pray.

 
i pray that i will recover from this illness.
i pray that i will feel the joy, peace, and love
that i’ve been longing for.

 
i pray.

 
i pray that i will have the strength to better myself.
i pray that i will never lose hope in times of despair.

 
i pray.

 
i pray that i will heal every single day of the rest of my life.
i pray that i will experience less pain and more pleasure every
single day of the rest of my life.

 
i pray.

 
i pray that i will think more rationally.
i pray that i will feel that the things around me are real and not
an illusion or a dream.

 
i pray.

 
i pray that i will soon get well. 
i pray for the belief that i will soon get well.

 
amen.
amen.
amen.

Dealing With Derealization

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Sometimes the words I type feel unreal. Sometimes I think I’m losing my ability to write. I miss my old writer self when I was brave and playful and confident with my words. I wish I could turn back time and try to take it easy with myself. That the universe didn’t have to make sense to me. That I could’ve taken it one day at a time instead of burning myself out.

Someone once said that when you stretch your intellect beyond a certain point, you will crack up. And I think that’s what happened to me. I became so indulged with the power of creation that came with controlling the way that I think that made my mind crack. It’s now always anxious with or without reason. There isn’t a single day that it doesn’t think about death or the afterlife. It was trying to control the nature of my reality that sent me into a mental health facility.

I became so paranoid about something called “the butterfly effect” and how with every choice we make we create a different reality. With other lives that we’re leading. With other people we’re becoming. And I just want to be the perfect version of myself, but I feel like a failure nowadays. It’s hard to succeed when I’ve already lost my mind. And it’s even hard to live when everything I feel feels unreal.

September 13, 2017

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Dear Self,

I’m really sorry that you’re in so much suffering. I’m really sorry that you’re in so much pain. These feelings of regret, anxiety, and unreality sometimes happen after experiencing feelings of well-being, healing, and peace. And you may think that the sun may never shine again in your world but it will. I hope you know that it will. Just hang in there. It will get better.

Love always, 
Self

P.S.

May you have the courage to fight this phase.
May you have the willpower to keep yourself alive.
May you have the wisdom to know that recovery is possible for you.

May you eventually be happy.
May you eventually be peaceful.
May you eventually feel in love with yourself again.

A Glitch of My Mind

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God, everything feels so unreal sometimes. I make an effort to walk around my neighborhood sometimes to not lock myself inside the four corners of my room, and I look at a tree and think: is that really a tree? Or am I just imagining that it’s a tree? And it goes on to birds, the sun and the moon and myself. And then I think: do I even exist? Is anything real? Can a force in this universe distract me from this feeling of unreality?

Intrusive Thoughts

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The butterfly effect… alternate realities… choices… do I have free will?… time… all sensation is memory… death… reincarnation… other worlds… kill myself… I hate being twenty… the butterfly effect… alternate realities… something feels wrong with my social media accounts… do I even exist?… death… reincarnation… words… words feeling unreal… something’s wrong with my debut poetry collection… numbers… the number eight… thoughts… thoughts create reality… failing… losing… OCD… bipolar… kill myself… life is a dream… am I only my mind?… the illusion of reality… what if I’m crazy?… the butterfly effect… alternate realities… choices… kill myself… kill myself… kill myself.

My Experience In A Mental Health Facility

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June 25, 2017, I was admitted to The One Algon Place because I tried to kill myself. I just couldn’t handle the anxiety that I was experiencing on a daily basis. 

During my stay at Algon, I learned, rediscovered and experienced a lot of things. First, I learned how to wash my clothes in my first week. I learned how to interact better with people even though I’m a very introverted person. I also learned how to control my obsessions better by trying to be okay with uncertainty and letting go of the thoughts that I think aren’t healthy for me and as well as focusing myself on the present.

Second, I rediscovered my passion for singing. And people really did tell me that I have a nice voice when we had our music therapy session during my second week of stay there. I’m thinking that I should enhance it more by having voice lessons in the future as it will also serve as a form of therapy to me.

Third, I experienced the wonderful community that helped me put my brain back into its right spot. I made so many friends who are also struggling with all sorts of mental illnesses, and that made me feel less alone with the challenges that I face every single moment of every day.

So to all of my fellow students/patients at Algon, I wish you all the love, hope and healing in the world. 

I am now and always forever changed.