Dealing With Derealization

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Sometimes the words I type feel unreal. Sometimes I think I’m losing my ability to write. I miss my old writer self when I was brave and playful and confident with my words. I wish I could turn back time and try to take it easy with myself. That the universe didn’t have to make sense to me. That I could’ve taken it one day at a time instead of burning myself out.

Someone once said that when you stretch your intellect beyond a certain point, you will crack up. And I think that’s what happened to me. I became so indulged with the power of creation that came with controlling the way that I think that made my mind crack. It’s now always anxious with or without reason. There isn’t a single day that it doesn’t think about death or the afterlife. It was trying to control the nature of my reality that sent me into a mental health facility.

I became so paranoid about something called “the butterfly effect” and how with every choice we make we create a different reality. With other lives that we’re leading. With other people we’re becoming. And I just want to be the perfect version of myself, but I feel like a failure nowadays. It’s hard to succeed when I’ve already lost my mind. And it’s even hard to live when everything I feel feels unreal.

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Intrusive Thoughts

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The butterfly effect… alternate realities… choices… do I have free will?… time… all sensation is memory… death… reincarnation… other worlds… kill myself… I hate being twenty… the butterfly effect… alternate realities… something feels wrong with my social media accounts… do I even exist?… death… reincarnation… words… words feeling unreal… something’s wrong with my debut poetry collection… numbers… the number eight… thoughts… thoughts create reality… failing… losing… OCD… bipolar… kill myself… life is a dream… am I only my mind?… the illusion of reality… what if I’m crazy?… the butterfly effect… alternate realities… choices… kill myself… kill myself… kill myself.

June 19, 2017

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How can I fix my mind if my mind is where the problem is in the first place? It’s getting hard to live day by day when all I could think of is my death. Along with a negative stream of irrational thoughts that haunts me minute after minute after minute.

Do I have free will? Does the butterfly effect cause alternate realities to exist where I could’ve been perfect? Is choosing death the ultimate real choice to freedom?

I’ve been walking around my room back and forth back and forth several times a day feeling very restless and angry. Contemplating about my death. Smashing ice cubes and hangers on to the wall. Arranging and rearranging things. Shouting occasionally.

It isn’t enough that I am understood by the people who love me. I am suffering and there’s no cure to my thought process. Some days I don’t even feel like anything exists. Some days I don’t even feel like I’m the real me.

I am powerless. I am flight. I am panic. I am anxiety. I am a soul that would eventually be set free from this world.

100 Things I Want To Do Before I Die

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  1. Before I die I want to be at peace with myself. 
  2. Before I die I want to be genuinely filled with love.
  3. Before I die I want to be genuinely filled with hope.
  4. Before I die I want to heal.
  5. Before I die I want to recover.
  6. Before I die I want to feel better.
  7. Before I die I want to think better.
  8. Before I die I want to manage my intrusive thoughts.
  9. Before I die I want to manage my existential thoughts.
  10. Before I die I want to manage my obsessions. 
  11. Before I die I want to manage my compulsions.
  12. Before I die I want to learn photography.
  13. Before I die I want to learn how to swim excellently.
  14. Before I die I want to learn how to play the guitar. 
  15. Before I die I want to learn how to play the piano.
  16. Before I die I want to learn how to drive.
  17. Before I die I want to accept my own limitations.
  18. Before I die I want to accept the love I think I don’t deserve.
  19. Before I die I want to own a drum set. 
  20. Before I die I want to own a leather jacket.
  21. Before I die I want to know a peaceful day.
  22. Before I die I want to know a melancholic romantic day. 
  23. Before I die I want to know true love.
  24. Before I die I want to see Daisy. 
  25. Before I die I want to sing to Daisy.
  26. Before I die I want to kiss Daisy.
  27. Before I die I want to make love with Daisy.
  28. Before I die I want to travel with Daisy.
  29. Before I die I want to slow dance to a sad song with Daisy.
  30. Before I die I want to make a grand declaration of love.
  31. Before I die I want to compile a poetry collection.
  32. Before I die I want to write a novel.
  33. Before I die I want to write a children’s picture book.
  34. Before I die I want to write songs.
  35. Before I die I want to start an online magazine.
  36. Before I die I want to wander Batanes Island.
  37. Before I die I want to wander Palawan Island.
  38. Before I die I want to be happy so I can make my mother happy.
  39. Before I die I want to be happy so I can make my father happy.
  40. Before I die I want to be imperfectly perfect.
  41. Before I die I want to live in the present.
  42. Before I die I want to move on from the past.
  43. Before I die I want to maintain a hopeful future.
  44. Before I die I want to run faster.
  45. Before I die I want to run longer.
  46. Before I die I want to feel normal.
  47. Before I die I want to feel free.
  48. Before I die I want to feel lovely.
  49. Before I die I want to feel complete.
  50. Before I die I want to feel powerful.
  51. Before I die I want to feel in control of my own destiny.
  52. Before I die I want to live life with no regrets.
  53. Before I die I want to count for something. 
  54. Before I die I want to forever remain a memory.
  55. Before I die I want to sing on stage for one last time.
  56. Before I die I want to shout to the world that I am still here and alive!
  57. Before I die I want to shout to the world that I am in love with Daisy Camille! 
  58. Before I die I want to drive recklessly. 
  59. Before I die I want to laugh like a super crazy person. 
  60. Before I die I want to smile like nothing’s wrong with me.
  61. Before I die I want to smile like nothing’s wrong with my teeth.
  62. Before I die I want to have my teeth fixed. 
  63. Before I die I want to have a lovely wardrobe. 
  64. Before I die I want to have a lovely hairstyle. 
  65. Before I die I want to have more hope.
  66. Before I die I want to have more peace.
  67. Before I die I want to have more love.
  68. Before I die I want to see love in everything.
  69. Before I die I want to see miracles.
  70. Before I die I want to see anxious people like me at peace.
  71. Before I die I want to see depressed people like me at joy.
  72. Before I die I want to stop wanting. 
  73. Before I die I want to grow old with Daisy. 
  74. Before I die I want to not feel suicidal anymore.
  75. Before I die I want to not think obsessively anymore.
  76. Before I die I want to not believe in the things that destroy me.
  77. Before I die I want to believe in the things that makes me together and whole.
  78. Before I die I want to believe in the things that are kind, peaceful and lovely.
  79. Before I die I want to believe in the magic of my own becoming.
  80. Before I die I want to trust the process to find true meaning and happiness. 
  81. Before I die I want to trust God in the way that my mother trusts in God.
  82. Before I die I want to just simply be.
  83. Before I die I want to just simply love myself.
  84. Before I die I want to just live until I die and be okay with that.
  85. Before I die I want to appreciate nature.
  86. Before I die I want to appreciate the sun’s beauty.
  87. Before I die I want to appreciate the moon’s pulchritude.
  88. Before I die I want to appreciate myself for surviving life.
  89. Before I die I want to appreciate Daisy for being my whole universe. 
  90. Before I die I want to appreciate all those who love me for being my stars.
  91. Before I die I want to appreciate my mother for being my brightest star of all.
  92. Before I die I want to remember all the good I’ve done in this world.
  93. Before I die I want to remember all the good I’ve wrote.
  94. Before I die I want to remember all the good I’ve thought.
  95. Before I die I want to remember all the good I’ve felt.
  96. Before I die I want to remember all the good memories.
  97. Before I die I want to be hope.
  98. Before I die I want to be peace.
  99. Before I die I want to be love.
  100. Before I die I want to live.

Mommy (A Poem)

Mommy

Love Your Mothers

I’m sorry, I’m sorry

I’ve caused you to worry

Since the time I was caged inside your tummy

 

You’ve given birth to me, a creature filled with grief, with fear, with anxiety

That would soon be an outcast to a whole society

Since no colorful soul would ever dare to love a creature like me

 

I’ve tried to kill myself mommy

Only to discover that I had no blood, no life, in me

Now I know why the villagers never liked me

 

I am a vampire who craves to be happy

Who craves for blood, for life, to be happy

But I never wanted to harm nor kill society

 

I’ve always wanted to see the world in daytime mommy

But the sun has always burned me with grief, with fear, with anxiety

And the world at night has always looked so gloomy

 

But today I should see the world in daytime now, as I don’t want to live forever in solitary

And today is your day really

And I just want you to be happy without me

 

So I’m sorry, I’m sorry

All I’ve cared for my whole life is  me, me, me

And there’s a group of villagers outside our house now who are set to burn and kill me

 

So I’m coming out of the house now mommy

And I guess I’ll see you in our backyard cemetery where you’ll bury me

So I’m sorry if I’ve always been your poison ivy, and I know you’ve always loved me

 

A big black stake is impaled in my big black heart—it hurts very

“Eeh. Eeh. Eeh.” I cried softly.

Drowning you in an ocean full of tears mommy