My Beloved’s Birthday

Camille's Birthday

Three things I believe are worth a thousand words: A smile, a kiss, and a picture.

She makes me feel alive, and she’s the person who encourages me to keep on living. She makes me feel loved and she’s the person who inspires me to find ways to keep on healing.

I’m afraid of turning twenty-two, and there’s a darkness inside of me that says twenty-one years of existence is enough. There’s no need to suffer further anymore, but then I’d be thinking maybe I’ll survive if I choose to remain patient because maybe there’s a miracle that’s waiting for me in the future.

In the past, I was a very futuristic person with a lot of hope and dreams and chased magic every chance that I get, but here I am now with a lot of broken memories and doubts. 

It will be Christmas soon, and despite many saying that depression rises on December but paradoxically suicide rates drop as well, it’s still my favorite season of the year. And I feel like she’s my Christmas and she’s the light inside of me that I will always treasure and feel grateful for. 

She’s the light that I am always seeking in times when all I can think of is to end it all.

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A Funeral In My Heart

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Loneliness is having a party
in my mind again and that’s okay.

 
I am surrounded 
by souls.

 
Some treat me like
sunlight and some treat me like
moonlight.

 
I cry myself to sleep
and no one knows that the truth
about loneliness is that it protects
ones heart from everything but itself.

 
There’s a funeral in my heart, 
and the casket is too small for my
childish soul that screams ‘Let me out!’

 
I want to live without thinking
about who will miss me when I’m gone
because I’m tired of writing all these goodbye
letters that mean nothing without a recipient.

 
There’s a funeral in my heart
and there are no flowers because 
nobody wants to give flowers to a suicide.

 
I wish I can say sorry for being 
so selfish but that would mean apologizing
for the nights I’ve tried to hold it all together
like rebuilding Rome for a day—I have nothing to say.

 
There’s a funeral in my heart
and I am all alone here with the lights closed
because the window might glow and I am not light.

 
I am not light.

How Hope Works

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It’s weird how hope works. You’re at the pits of despair. You think you’re forever trapped, and suddenly something with a little light comes along, and you take it. You use it to find your way out of the darkness even though deep inside your heart you know that you’re forever lost but it’s okay. The little light you have beats the darkness. And the more you believe in that little light, the stronger it will get until everything becomes filled with love and light. Hope is not the light at the end of the tunnel. Hope is the light that you use to illuminate the tunnel. So always keep hoping because hope no matter how dangerous that thing is will be your miracle.