I understand actually, what it’s like to feel like the only way to understand the pain is to self-destruct. Real family or friends aren’t there all the time for me and most of the time loneliness consumes me when they’re nowhere to be found. That’s why there’s cigarettes, drugs, and alcohol because sometimes I don’t have that option that others have which is to reach out. But when I finally have the chance to talk to someone I don’t. I have a problem with trusting people, and I love sleeping pills too much.
I wasn’t kind, but I wasn’t unkind either. I wasn’t anything I guess. I wasn’t anything to anyone at all. I was nothing, a sort of non-being and I just wanted to fall asleep during the day. I let my face drown in the darkness of the pillow and tried to think that it was already night. I was in so much hopelessness. I literally couldn’t walk. I had this body that I needed to clean, feed and control but just thinking about those things made me feel very tired.
—I Am The Architect of My Own Destruction, page 25
Confessions of a Wallflower is my first poetry collection. I published this tender part of my soul when I was nineteen. I am 21 now, and a lot has changed for me. Confessions of a Wallflower is a really sad piece of literature but at the same time romantic, hopeful and deeply personal. It’s simply about surviving severe depression which until this day is not an easy task. Confessions of a Wallflower is really cheap for 300 pages, and it’s very easy to read. I only receive half a dollar for every person who chooses to purchase the book (it costs $9), and it’s not really about the money for me to be honest. It’s about something much greater like spreading hope because sometimes that’s the most powerful thing. So yeah this might be the last time I’ll promote Confessions of a Wallflower, and I suck at advertising or marketing or whatever. And if there’s only one thing I can say about this piece of literature, it’s this: it has been loved all over the world, and I am deeply grateful for everyone who has read it. The next collection I’ll be releasing soon will be very dark, simplistic and personal. I love you all. ✿
You can purchase Confessions of a Wallflower here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1542396859 ✿
I may retire Confessions of a Wallflower soon so get it while you still can. A much better collection will be self-published in June. Wishing you all hope, love, and healing. ✨
I am both self-destructive and self-loving.
Both seem very romantic to me.
—Confessions of a Wallflower, page 17
Happy National Poetry Month to you all. I’ve been feeling nothing lately like everything I do feels pointless which isn’t doing me any good. I’m currently in the process of creating my next collection which tackles about the loneliness of human existence and self-destruction, suicidal feelings, being in an unhealthy relationship, my mental illness and how I’m recovering through the art of mindfulness and overall it’s about finding hope and growth and stars and flowers and beauty and survival despite the meaningless of life and finding the meaning to my own suffering.
Confessions of a Wallflower isn’t a book that I’m entirely proud of, and maybe it’s because I write differently now compared to my 19-year-old self, but I’m still happy that I did create this book even if some parts of it makes me cringe at the here and now. I hope you consider purchasing it to support my life as a writer/poet as I pour my soul in creating my next collection.
To the hundreds who have read, I am deeply grateful. ❤ Love, Juansen. ✿