Since I was a child, I saw magic at the moon,
the planets and the stars
I remember closing my eyes really hard
as I wished for anything that was possible
and I wished for the feeling of being an alien
to disappear once I open my eyes and I am home.
I remember thinking the better I visualized
this wish to no longer feel consumed by my loneliness,
the better the chance of this wish coming true and I am home.
I remember imagining what it’d be like to live
in a future where I felt the people playing soft music
and my family is dancing as they laugh and drink and I am home.
I remember feeling sad that my wishes never came true
but I still found magic in believing in all my wishes anyway
because I know, soon I will love, smile and vanish and I am home.
I’m still loved despite my depression and that alone keeps me alive.
I hope she’ll be forgiving not because I want to hurt her. I’d never hurt the person I love intentionally, ever. I’m a good guy who buys chocolates and flowers and wants to take her to the movies, be in a cooking class together and watch the sunset until the day is over. I’m not the life of the party, and I’m pretty much a beta male. I hope she forgives me in times when I’m dull because I really don’t have a life besides writing greeting card poetry, binge-watching all of my favorite TV shows and meeting my shrink once or twice or thrice a week depending on how much crazy I’m feeling. All I can promise is that I’ll let her eat the last piece of pizza and cherish her so much on nights when she’s feeling extra tired and empty. I’ll try to make her smile or giggle even just for a little bit as I do the sexy evening kitchen dance while an Ed Sheeran song is playing on the radio. I hope she forgives me when I someday tell her “I love you” and what I really mean by that is “I’m broken, and I’m very much clueless when it comes to love but here’s my heart and I promise you that it will beat for you till’ the last of my tomorrows and hopefully you can do the same for me.”
Finding myself doesn’t always mean that I’ve lost myself. Self-discovery is when I remind myself of the simple things that bring purpose into my life and practicing gratitude at the end of the day. Like how the sun rises every morning and sets every evening, self-discovery for me is a daily thing.
It’s easy to know who I am when I am at peace with my sadness.