describing my depression to her

honeymoon

‘you say 
you have depression
how does your depression 
feel like?’
she carefully asked.

 
‘it’s like waking up every morning
to a breaking heart,’ I carefully replied. 
‘and it feels like the entire day 
is already over when in fact the entire day 
has only just begun.’

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Today Is Sunday

Hello. It’s Sunday today, and I didn’t go to church with my family today because I had a severe panic attack last night. I haven’t eaten since this morning. And I vomited last night’s meal. And I couldn’t stop crying. 

Tumblr hasn’t been working for me all day yesterday and today. I e-mailed them about the problem, but they haven’t responded. Maybe they’re doing something about it. Maybe they’re not. A few people are also experiencing it. 

But I guess if this is the end of my writing career there then I guess I should accept it even though I have 5k followers there. 

I guess the universe pulled the plug for a reason. But I am really devastated right now. I am watching my empire burn. 

And I think right now. All I want is a simple life with my mom and the other people that I consider family. 

And I’ll just help with the family business in any way that I can. I don’t want to be a burden to my mom. She is the only reason that I haven’t killed myself because I know that she loves me. And I really love her as well. 

So yeah. I still have a poetry book to self-publish regardless of everything burning. And I’m dedicating it to my mom. The person who took good care of me. The person who really understands my mental illness. And I don’t really mind if it’s only me who buys my book.

It would be for my own hope to live. 

We Are Winning Against Stigma

quote-on-stigma-health-56-healthyplace

I must say that the advocacy against mental health stigma is thriving.

We are on the winning side in this constant battle. And that is because of the people who openly and shamelessly post about their mental illness on social media not because they’re attention seekers but because they want to prove to society that mental illness is not a made up fairy tale.

So to the girl who posted a picture of how thin she was because of anorexia and how she gained weight now, I am proud that you’re eating well now.

To the boy who posted a picture of his scars half a year ago, I am proud that you’re not cutting yourself anymore. And that takes a lot of courage and willpower. Well done.

And to everyone who writes, muse, or make poems about mental illness, I am happy that you are alive in this universe because you have a story to tell that may change people’s lives forever.

Brothers and sisters. As long as we don’t kill ourselves, we will not be oppressed. We will win this war. There is hope.

Mommy (A Poem)

Mommy

Love Your Mothers

I’m sorry, I’m sorry

I’ve caused you to worry

Since the time I was caged inside your tummy

 

You’ve given birth to me, a creature filled with grief, with fear, with anxiety

That would soon be an outcast to a whole society

Since no colorful soul would ever dare to love a creature like me

 

I’ve tried to kill myself mommy

Only to discover that I had no blood, no life, in me

Now I know why the villagers never liked me

 

I am a vampire who craves to be happy

Who craves for blood, for life, to be happy

But I never wanted to harm nor kill society

 

I’ve always wanted to see the world in daytime mommy

But the sun has always burned me with grief, with fear, with anxiety

And the world at night has always looked so gloomy

 

But today I should see the world in daytime now, as I don’t want to live forever in solitary

And today is your day really

And I just want you to be happy without me

 

So I’m sorry, I’m sorry

All I’ve cared for my whole life is  me, me, me

And there’s a group of villagers outside our house now who are set to burn and kill me

 

So I’m coming out of the house now mommy

And I guess I’ll see you in our backyard cemetery where you’ll bury me

So I’m sorry if I’ve always been your poison ivy, and I know you’ve always loved me

 

A big black stake is impaled in my big black heart—it hurts very

“Eeh. Eeh. Eeh.” I cried softly.

Drowning you in an ocean full of tears mommy