I believe in the saying “Keep moving forward,” I believe in it despite having clinical depression that makes it hard to imagine a bright future and purely-obsessional ocd, which makes it a struggle to think positively with a mind that’s filled doubts and unwanted irrational thoughts.
Sometimes childhood trauma and bullying come in the way of “keeping the faith” because it’s me experiencing the past in the present moment, and it gets really lonely there. Especially when I’d like to be in a place where I’d be able to experience the future in the present moment because that’s where depression does not exist. Because depression is the thing that hinders a person from seeing that the future is going to be okay.
So I’m writing this self-reflection as a way to fight.
I know most of the time all I write are quotes and some silly short poems about mental health, self-love or any inspirational stuff that I feel like people would relate to and would get good likes/notes especially on Tumblr and I accept that a part of me likes being celebrated for writing pretty words but I’d like to share this part of me that embraces uncertainty when it comes to composing something with length with the risk of feeling like a fool because I am so afraid.
I am afraid that I wouldn’t make any sense, and my pure-ocd wouldn’t like it, and it will be painful to walk with my doubt. I am afraid that I’m not a real writer anymore because I don’t want to write about what’s ugly. But most of all, I’m afraid that as I keep moving forward towards the unknown, I don’t know when to rest and heal. I don’t know what part of me is broken, and maybe as I keep moving forward I’ll just be hurting myself. I don’t know anything much at all, and I’m afraid, and maybe I should be afraid or maybe being afraid is the thing I have to take to keep moving forward and realize that there was nothing to fear when I look back at how far I’ve gone.
I don’t know where my next leap of faith will take me, but I hope someday every step I take towards the unknown will inspire me with hope and love that it will be okay. An unknown writer once said that “If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.” Just keep moving forward. 💙
