Living With My Darkness (Accepting My OCD)

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Why did I write my poems a certain way? Could I have written it better? But the feeling is over. Did I make the right choices with the words? Time is passing by. Feelings of anxiety and dread. Sometimes I am distressed by the fact that I exist that causes me to doubt whether I really do exist. In the end, I will die and every second that passes is one less moment that I have to live. I am not afraid of dying. I am simply afraid of not living. And not making the right choices. And not making the most out of my time.  

It’s hard to write when you want to kill yourself. It’s hard to write when every thought that pops out of your head is a trigger and all you want to do is to focus on the subject that you’re writing but all you can think of is the feeling that everything you’re experiencing is make-believe. It’s hard to write with everything going on inside my head, but I still write because it’s the only thing that gives my existence purpose and without purpose, I would rather die.

So here I am still fighting despite it all. I am living with my darkness. I see it everywhere. I see it in the number eight. I hear it in ticking clocks, and I’m reminded that I have a million things to do. I should be in college, but I’m too mentally unstable for it at the moment. I should be working on my next book. I should be writing another poem or article. I should be with friends, but I don’t have friends. I should’ve done everything, but it’s hard to function when you feel nothing. So I do nothing as time flies without me. And where does she go? Where does she take my life as she gently takes it away from my fingers? I want to feel in control, but I feel powerless. I want the ruminations to stop but there are infinite realities out there that are unfolding simultaneously with ours, and I’m afraid to create one that’s worth fighting for.

Sometimes I feel like a hopeless case. Sometimes I feel so alone. It’s in this times of loneliness that the darkness totally consumes me. It is when we suffer alone that we truly suffer. I don’t understand myself at all because there are days when I feel so down, and there are days when I feel so alive. I’m a walking contradiction. If I can’t understand myself then who can? The next thing that is better to being understood is being loved. And I believe that even if we can’t love ourselves, we can still be loved by someone who we can trust our darkness with. And I am hopeful that someday someone would come along and make my life so much easier to live.

I don’t know how to end this post or whatever you may call it. I am neither good at ending things or starting things. I am only good at staying alive and living with my darkness because if I don’t then, I will suffer. I am just in pain and pain is inevitable just as healing is and one day things would get better because they have to be.

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September 18, 2017

daehyun

Dear Self,

 

I’m going to tell you a little secret: healing requires pain. That’s why when you’re feeling so anxious that’s when you know that you are healing through the innate human ability of adaptation. In simple terms: you’re going to get used to the anxiety that you’re feeling and move on with your life.

 

Because you eventually have to heal.

Because you eventually have to recover.

Because you eventually have to live.

 

Love always,

Self

September 13, 2017

flower-heart-sunshine-tumblr-Favim.com-2894634

Dear Self,

I’m really sorry that you’re in so much suffering. I’m really sorry that you’re in so much pain. These feelings of regret, anxiety, and unreality sometimes happen after experiencing feelings of well-being, healing, and peace. And you may think that the sun may never shine again in your world but it will. I hope you know that it will. Just hang in there. It will get better.

Love always, 
Self

P.S.

May you have the courage to fight this phase.
May you have the willpower to keep yourself alive.
May you have the wisdom to know that recovery is possible for you.

May you eventually be happy.
May you eventually be peaceful.
May you eventually feel in love with yourself again.