before I closed my eyes
my heart said, “I can’t wait
to love myself to another day.”
I woke up and felt my heart
“What happened?” I asked it gently.
“The same thing that always happens,” it replied.
“You teach me how to love myself by destroying myself
and now I’m breaking.”
Addiction is only beautiful at the start. It numbs you from the pain, the insecurity, and the anxiety until you finally feel those things again, and the cycle starts all over again. Then suddenly you can’t stop for the reason that it taught you how to survive. Escaping reality one day at a time and denying pain one moment at a time. It’s not something you really get over from unless you choose to live a brand new life where there are less triggers and more reminders that you are worthy of living a fresh, healthy and meaningful existence.
I understand actually, what it’s like to feel like the only way to understand the pain is to self-destruct. Real family or friends aren’t there all the time for me and most of the time loneliness consumes me when they’re nowhere to be found. That’s why there’s cigarettes, drugs, and alcohol because sometimes I don’t have that option that others have which is to reach out. But when I finally have the chance to talk to someone I don’t. I have a problem with trusting people, and I love sleeping pills too much.