Promise me we’ll meet here in another life. You and I. This place where we first met and fell in love in this life. Promise me. We’ll meet here. You and I. Promise me. Promise me we’ll fall in love with each other again in another life. Promise me. You and I. Because one life is not enough for me to fall in love with you. Because one life is not enough for me to feel your love for me. Because one life is not enough for you and me. For you and I.
—Confessions of a Wallflower, page 209
The first time we held each other’s hands I thought that there would never come a time when we would let each other go. We walked beside the seashore as we found home in every step we took as the setting sun melted our hearts and made them feel again. It was amazing. To be lovely with the girl I love.
“Come on skinny love just last a year…” I would sing.
And then silence.
And then I’m crying, and you’re crying.
The sun has already drowned in the deep blue sea.
“Why are you crying?” you asked. “Say something.”
“I don’t know,” I replied. “My brain is just so fucked up that some days I want to kill myself and I become so depressed and this moment right now is so perfect that I want it to last forever.”
“Why are you crying?” I asked back. “Say something.”
“This relationship is completely dependent on you,” you replied. “When you’re happy, I’m happy. When you’re sad, I’m sad. And sometimes you push me away, and I just don’t know what to do with us every time that happens.”
“Shhh,” I kissed her on the cheeks. “I will fight for us by fighting my demons.”
To me, love was about time.
To her, love was about adventure.
She would often bring me to places where we would gaze at the stars and laugh and cry about all our problems. I was the dreamer, and she was the traveler.
She didn’t know about my problem. There were days before I met her that I wouldn’t even leave the house for weeks for some unknown fear of judgment of the outside world. But all of that changed when I fell in love with her.
“Do you sometimes think that we’re all just passing time?” I asked her.
“What do you mean that we’re all just passing time?” she asked me back.
I don’t know, I replied. Like how every moment we feel is already memory. And we’re all just hurtling towards oblivion. Like none of it matters.
“Do you know why I love gazing at the stars so much?” she asked me.
“Why do you love gazing at the stars so much?” I asked her back.
A million stars being so bright that I’m no longer afraid of the darkness of the night, she replied. Like there’s nothing in the world that I should fear. Not even loving you, she added.
And then I kissed her under a million twinkling stars that my fear of passing time began to melt away. At that moment I understood that forever could be measured in just a few seconds as her fear of the darkness began to melt away.
It’s six o’ clock in the evening, and I’m thinking of her. How she heals me. How she makes me happy. How she makes me smile. How she makes me feel like life’s worth living.
There’s a setting sun landing on a leaf that reminds me of her. That reminds me of a love. A hope. A joy. A peace that I’ll be dying valiantly knowing that I have loved and made memories with this woman whom I greatly shared my sufferings with.
I couldn’t thank the universe enough for bringing this woman into my life. She was created to be kissed, loved, and given flowers every day. And that’s probably all I can do while I still have time.
let me just be for awhile.
let me have my silence. let me read my books. let me silently drift off to the solitary world of my dreams. there are so many things in my mind that i need to unknow. it’s overstimulated by everything. and my soul knows that it needs to rest. that it needs to be taken care of.
time. my dearest friend and my greatest fear. let me forget that you exist for a while. and then let me know that there is so much more of you in the places that i heal.
It’s crazy how I’m still alive after turning into a storm a couple of days ago. And I’m still breathing. And I’m still feeling. And I know that I am like a cloud that absorbs sadness from this world so easily but right now at this very moment I am okay. I am a cumulus cloud. And I will endure my future storms for moments like this.
—Confessions of a Wallflower, page 227
Why didn’t you tell me that this was coming? Why didn’t you tell me that I was going to kill a huge part of myself? I clung on to you like a baby crying in her mother’s arms. And you dropped me when I became too violent to you. When I became too much of a sadness to you. You’re not as what people think you are. You’re a very dangerous thing. And now I am trying to live without you because all you did was make me mad and exhausted.
And now grief is putting me to sleep.
Taking the pain away until autumn wakes me up.