mind & soul

mind & soul

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a prayer

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i pray.

 
i pray that i will recover from this illness.
i pray that i will feel the joy, peace, and love
that i’ve been longing for.

 
i pray.

 
i pray that i will have the strength to better myself.
i pray that i will never lose hope in times of despair.

 
i pray.

 
i pray that i will heal every single day of the rest of my life.
i pray that i will experience less pain and more pleasure every
single day of the rest of my life.

 
i pray.

 
i pray that i will think more rationally.
i pray that i will feel that the things around me are real and not
an illusion or a dream.

 
i pray.

 
i pray that i will soon get well. 
i pray for the belief that i will soon get well.

 
amen.
amen.
amen.

Intrusive Thoughts

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The butterfly effect… alternate realities… choices… do I have free will?… time… all sensation is memory… death… reincarnation… other worlds… kill myself… I hate being twenty… the butterfly effect… alternate realities… something feels wrong with my social media accounts… do I even exist?… death… reincarnation… words… words feeling unreal… something’s wrong with my debut poetry collection… numbers… the number eight… thoughts… thoughts create reality… failing… losing… OCD… bipolar… kill myself… life is a dream… am I only my mind?… the illusion of reality… what if I’m crazy?… the butterfly effect… alternate realities… choices… kill myself… kill myself… kill myself.

My Experience In A Mental Health Facility

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June 25, 2017, I was admitted to The One Algon Place because I tried to kill myself. I just couldn’t handle the anxiety that I was experiencing on a daily basis. 

During my stay at Algon, I learned, rediscovered and experienced a lot of things. First, I learned how to wash my clothes in my first week. I learned how to interact better with people even though I’m a very introverted person. I also learned how to control my obsessions better by trying to be okay with uncertainty and letting go of the thoughts that I think aren’t healthy for me and as well as focusing myself on the present.

Second, I rediscovered my passion for singing. And people really did tell me that I have a nice voice when we had our music therapy session during my second week of stay there. I’m thinking that I should enhance it more by having voice lessons in the future as it will also serve as a form of therapy to me.

Third, I experienced the wonderful community that helped me put my brain back into its right spot. I made so many friends who are also struggling with all sorts of mental illnesses, and that made me feel less alone with the challenges that I face every single moment of every day.

So to all of my fellow students/patients at Algon, I wish you all the love, hope and healing in the world. 

I am now and always forever changed.

June 19, 2017

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How can I fix my mind if my mind is where the problem is in the first place? It’s getting hard to live day by day when all I could think of is my death. Along with a negative stream of irrational thoughts that haunts me minute after minute after minute.

Do I have free will? Does the butterfly effect cause alternate realities to exist where I could’ve been perfect? Is choosing death the ultimate real choice to freedom?

I’ve been walking around my room back and forth back and forth several times a day feeling very restless and angry. Contemplating about my death. Smashing ice cubes and hangers on to the wall. Arranging and rearranging things. Shouting occasionally.

It isn’t enough that I am understood by the people who love me. I am suffering and there’s no cure to my thought process. Some days I don’t even feel like anything exists. Some days I don’t even feel like I’m the real me.

I am powerless. I am flight. I am panic. I am anxiety. I am a soul that would eventually be set free from this world.