If there’s no other way.
If there’s nothing that can make these obsessions go away.
Then nothing in this world could make me stay.
I have a date in mind, and that’s March 3, 2019, my original plan since I was in the process of writing my second poetry collection. I guess this is my fate and I have 122 days left on this blue planet of ours.
Sometimes I wonder what’s beyond this human existence. I hope it will be lovely. But there’s always an idea in the back of my head that there’s nothing. It will be like fading into an eternal sleep where I’ll never wake up.
Suicide is now my shield for suffering. I’ll focus on the things that matter to me before I depart. In the end, I’ll always be alone, and it’s better to die alone peacefully than to live alone and forever stand at the edge of insanity.
Life will be over before I know it.
You are simply you. You are the soul that observes what both your brain and your mind is doing at the present moment. You are the soul that goes by with your name. The feelings that you are feeling right now are not you. Just like the thoughts you are having—they’re inherently empty for they are not you and they’re not happening to you. They’re just simply happening like how a wave is dancing with the whole ocean itself.
Here’s the truth: Having this sickness in your brain was never your choice to begin with. It was never your fault. It’s just a part of you. And it does hurt on a daily basis. And you’re a marvelous badass for fighting it even if it terrifies you.
Remembering that you are not your mental illness is part of the daily battle. Remembering that you are enough is your ultimate weapon. Remembering that you are simply you—your soul is the inevitable victory. As mental illness is similar to having a scar and you don’t say that I am that scar, you say that I am going to live with that scar.
Don’t let your mental illness convince you that it’s not going to get better. Don’t let your mental illness convince you that you’re never going to be functional like before and that life is hopeless. You are loved. You are wanted. And you are beautiful beyond words can ever explain. Don’t let your brain persuade you into thinking that you aren’t.
You are so much more than what’s going on in your head. You have genius in your soul. Talents beyond talents. Gifts beyond gifts. You are capable of doing amazingly extraordinary things with your amazingly extraordinary soul. Your life is not a diagnosis. Your life is living despite symptoms.
You are going to have glorious days when you’re really happy to the point where anything feels possible. Like your mental illness is non-existent and you feel extremely alive like you belong in this planet. And all you do with your positive energy is to pour it into your soul and make something long-lasting like creating a poem, a song or a painting of the sun and the birds that will give you hope on days when you’ll feel sad. Days when you’ll feel like nothing you do feels right and everything you do drowns you. And those days will be hell but just like Winston Churchill said: If you’re going through hell, keep going.
You are not your mental illness. You are your soul, and your soul is a fighter, an artist, a friend, a brother or a sister and a child of both love and light.
Mental illness is not a choice but always remember that recovery is a choice. So stay alive and know that you have a purpose. As long as you’re alive, you have a purpose.
Be alive. Be yourself. Shine the brightest stars inside you. Be unapologetically you.
Last year I was going through some really rough time. It was one of the worst suicidal moments in my life. I lost my sense of self. I was confused on who I really am as a person. I was just really lost and very depressed. I was vomiting, and I wasn’t eating because of all the anxiety that I was feeling. I was about to end it all by swallowing lots of paracetamol tablets, but I didn’t despite feeling like there was no end to the pain that I was feeling.
What saved me was the thought that I can still express all my pain through poetry. And two books actually saved my life. It’s Kind of a Funny Story & All The Bright Places. Both novels inspired me to keep on living despite being suicidal and to share my story and my ideas when it comes to depression, self-love and healing on my debut poetry collection Confessions of a Wallflower.
What also saved me was being with my family. That’s when I realized that there’s no greater anti-depressant than human love and connection. And that I am loved and that I will be missed if ever I did the act of suicide.
Thankfully I survived, and I am empowered to say that I am a suicide survivor.
The thing I’m looking for the most in a relationship is not love but rather understanding. I just want someone who can basically stand being with me I guess. Someone who can accept the fact that there are days in my life that I won’t be able to get out of bed because I find no reason to live. Someone who can learn that loving me won’t be pretty because I detach from reality sometimes and it’s just hard to feel connected in times like that. I just want someone who can be aware of all of my defects and still love me not despite of them but because of them.
I just want to know that if one day I lose my mind we’d still be together no matter what. And we go to the beach together because that’s where I feel safe the most, and she tells me that everything’s going to be okay and that it’s okay to smile despite everything that’s going on in my head. And then she says my name, and it sounds different in her mouth, and I feel safe there. And then I tell her something that I’m terrified to tell her because I’m terrified that it will make her stop loving me but when I do it just makes her love me more.
Or I tell her something very dark and honest like wanting to kill myself, and she doesn’t panic, and we just talk about the things that have been bothering me, and she tells me that she believes in me because she believes that I am a very strong person despite being so fragile and vulnerable. She tells me that no matter what she’ll always understand. She tells me that no matter what she’ll always be there for me even in times when I need space. She tells me that her love for me would always be there waiting whenever I am ready.
i pray that i will recover from this illness.
i pray that i will feel the joy, peace, and love
that i’ve been longing for.
i pray that i will have the strength to better myself.
i pray that i will never lose hope in times of despair.
i pray that i will heal every single day of the rest of my life.
i pray that i will experience less pain and more pleasure every
single day of the rest of my life.
i pray that i will think more rationally.
i pray that i will feel that the things around me are real and not
an illusion or a dream.
i pray that i will soon get well.
i pray for the belief that i will soon get well.