The Chaos of Choice

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Cheeseburger or double cheeseburger? Coke or Pepsi? To travel Asia or Europe? To marry or not to marry? To have kids or not to have kids? To have a dog or not to have a dog? To exercise or not to exercise? To choose the career that I love or money? To read a book or not to read a book? To love myself or not to love myself? To rent a house or to buy a house? To quit or not to quit? To smile or not to smile? To be kind or to be right? To learn the guitar or the piano? Each choice feels like opening another reality. Each choice feels like opening another door. What the fuck is the difference with all of these choices? How do we know if we’re still in control of who we really are as a person with free will when in an alternate reality we’ve made the exact opposite choice of what we did. How can we make the perfect choice to have more control and be the best versions of ourselves?

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Choices

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Where do our decisions come from? They’re like a random sprinkle of rain on a hot summer day. How do we know if we’ve had collected the right data to act on a certain decision when in fact everything is infinite in our imaginations?

 

I find myself playing all the variables in my mind every time I make the simplest decision. I’m an extreme worrier. I do feel like I’m losing my mind sometimes. Even just typing these words right now are decisions and it bewilders me how naturally they just go through the pages.

 

So what is choice?  

 

 

In my own definition, choice is the basic proof that we have free will and with free will came chaos. Chaos because choice for me is the anxiety that comes before we act on a certain decision.

 

The anxiety of “what if”

 

What if we’re not wearing the right clothes?

What if we’re not acting the right way in front of people?

What if we’re not doing the best that we can to be the person that we want to be?

 

And it’s scary. To ruminate over the same things over and over again just because everything we do is forever done.

 

I should just be like a bird and just fly and fly and fly and be free on a hot, rainy summer day.

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“Every path is the right path. Everything could have been everything else, and it will have just as much meaning.”

—Mr. Nobody

6 Things I Am Learning On My Way To Recovering From OCD

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  1. I am learning that I can never truly be perfect no matter how hard I try. Instead, I am learning that I can always be growing no matter how hard it is to do so when every single moment of every day is filled with doubts and irrational fears.
  2. I am learning that every negative thought that comes into my head is out of my control. What I do have control at is how I give them meaning.
  3. I am learning that exposing myself to my irrational fears is how I’ll get better.
  4. I am learning that change, no matter how scary it is, for me, is a good thing.
  5. I am learning that letting go of control and letting things be is the best thing that one can do at the end of the day.
  6. I am learning that there will be days when I’ll be stressed and not manage well but as the saying goes, “this too shall pass,” And I’ll just have to keep moving forward.

Currently Listening To: Little Wonders by Rob Thomas

This is dedicated entirely to me:

Hey, you. I am proud of you. You’ve made it to one of the most craziest years of your life. You dropped out of college because of depression and anxiety. But without that, you wouldn’t have discovered your passion and love for writing. But you know what I’m most proud of? That every time you felt suicidal you chose to live.

What I love about you is that despite your sad mindset you really do believe in yourself. You’re not the old perfectionist you anymore. You’re beginning to trust the process more. You’re evolving every day whether you know that or not. I can feel it.

And I know it sounds gay, but I love you, man. I really do love you even though sometimes I hate you for doing things that destroy yourself. Do whatever the heck you want with your life. Live without regrets. Eat. Drink. Write. Dance. Sing. Do whatever the heck you want with your life. But always remember to have faith, love, and hope in your heart. But most of all always have the courage to live because you have to.

Dark Horse

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I think it’s better to be underestimated than to be overestimated. When I’m a screw-up—people don’t expect me to keep it up and that’s when I learn from my mistakes. But when people compliment me at my work—they expect me to keep it up. And sometimes I just can’t keep it up because of all the expectations that drives me to transform into a perfectionist. And I don’t want that. I want to strive for excellence rather than perfection because there’s no such thing as perfection. I want people to think that I can’t succeed so that I can.

Patience

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I will wait for you.

Like how Antarctica waits for the awkward penguins to come back after a long period of migration.

I will wait for you.

Like how an astrophysicist waits once in his or her lifetime for Comet Halley’s return every 75 years.

I will wait for you.

Like how a waterfall waits for the same water to fall from it.

I will wait for you.

Like how a dormant volcano erupts out of the blue after a thousand years.

I will wait for you. 

Like how trees are chopped off for paper used for words, a whole forest must be hairless before I finally run out of words.

I will wait for you.