My Beloved’s Birthday

Camille's Birthday

Three things I believe are worth a thousand words: A smile, a kiss, and a picture.

She makes me feel alive, and she’s the person who encourages me to keep on living. She makes me feel loved and she’s the person who inspires me to find ways to keep on healing.

I’m afraid of turning twenty-two, and there’s a darkness inside of me that says twenty-one years of existence is enough. There’s no need to suffer further anymore, but then I’d be thinking maybe I’ll survive if I choose to remain patient because maybe there’s a miracle that’s waiting for me in the future.

In the past, I was a very futuristic person with a lot of hope and dreams and chased magic every chance that I get, but here I am now with a lot of broken memories and doubts. 

It will be Christmas soon, and despite many saying that depression rises on December but paradoxically suicide rates drop as well, it’s still my favorite season of the year. And I feel like she’s my Christmas and she’s the light inside of me that I will always treasure and feel grateful for. 

She’s the light that I am always seeking in times when all I can think of is to end it all.

Five Months


We’re five months now.

May 25, 2018, was one of the happiest moments in my life when you became my girlfriend. 

Sometimes it feels like you’re more than just a girlfriend. 

You’re like my lighthouse when I get lost in my sea of uncertainties. 

You’re like my observatory when I forget to breathe and look at the stars. 

You’re like my museum when I forget to appreciate the meaning of beauty and art.

This month has been a rough ride for me. Endlessly searching for a light at the end of this eternal tunnel and it is only when you hold my hand when I feel safe inside this darkness that I sometimes think is my home.

The truth is home is wherever you and I are together. Sometimes home is sadness. Sometimes home is madness. But always home is wherever you and I are together through thick and thin and everything that comes in between you and I.

Nothing can ever tear us apart, and that’s what I’d like to believe in. Because a universe without you in it is a universe where everything is meaningless, and nothingness becomes something I’d carry for the rest of my life, and you are the rest of my life.

I still have so much to know about you, and you still have so much to know about me. But as the poet Rumi once wrote “Reason is powerless in the explanation of love” And I just love you because you are you along with an infinite number of little things that makes me feel like this life can be beautiful despite my mental illness because I am loved by the prettiest, loveliest and most brilliant girl that I know.

Life is suffering, as Nietzche wrote and you are one of the meanings that I keep safe to survive. I love you, Camille and that will never change. I hope you read this and know how much very much you are. And I will always be here for you my one and only love.

A Love That Always Feels Like Autumn


The weather is getting cold
and she’s sitting near the furnace—

Reading sad books,
as she unties her tied shoelace.

A love that always feels like autumn—
is the feeling she always gave me.

Dead with the hope of being born again—
her kiss on my neck that drives me crazy.

The way she drinks her coffee
is one of the sexiest things I like to see.

The way she says my name
is the thing that convinces me that it’s meant to be.

A love that always feels like autumn—
is the feeling she always gave me.

Dead with the hope of being born again—
the taste of laughter in her mouth that makes her lovely.

July 25, 2018

Love Love Love ❤

Camille, I love you. I hope my books sell. I hope I don’t go mad again. I’m so happy to have met you, known you and loved you. I’m so happy that I’m not good at parties. I’m so happy that I don’t go to parties. I’m so happy that a girl like you exists who’s also introverted, kind and needy and I can now laugh at how lonely and miserable I felt last summer. I’m so happy that I’m still alive and every morning I take a deep breath thinking: you are the rest of my fucked up life.