When I Turned 20, That’s When My Anxiety Worsened

Peter Pan

I’m twenty now.

I should have figured out my life by now.

 

I should be at college finishing my majors, but I just feel like I can’t because of the constant anxiety that I am feeling. I should be enjoying my life, but here I am carrying so many regrets.

 

I should’ve created more art during my teenage years. I should’ve played less computer games. I should’ve tried to learn the guitar because I always wanted to play the guitar, but I didn’t persevere enough during childhood. I could’ve been the writer who plays the guitar.

 

How can one cope up with the loss of opportunities? And also the loss of time?

 

Maybe that’s why I am so anxious about the concept of choosing. And time running out like there’s none of it left to be who I want to be. And I am still not yet the person whom I want to be. My mind is a mess, and therefore my life is a mess.

 

I don’t believe that I deserve to suffer but ninety percent of my days I do and that is why I feel like killing myself. I feel like suicide is my ultimate real choice that will end this dark stream of thoughts that releases a burning sensation all throughout my body.

 

The only thing I believe in is the moments when I feel like I am getting better no matter how deceptive and untrue they may sometimes be. Because when it gets better, it gets worse again and it’s an annoying thing honestly. To feel hopeful only to feel hopeless again. But I guess that doesn’t mean that I should stop keeping at it.

 

I guess that I should just use everything that I have now to obtain everything that is meant to be mine. Because I still believe in fate. I still believe in destiny. And it is my dream to recover and be the best writer, the best son and the best human being that I can be.

55 thoughts on “When I Turned 20, That’s When My Anxiety Worsened

  1. I know what you feeling, it’s rebirth in a way. It’s ok to feel like this but don’t let it paralyze you into inaction. this is an opportunity to take stock, celebrate small victories, mourn the missed opportunities and change what you don’t like.

    I am getting out of there too at 29, if yoi can be honest with yourself at 20, the rest will be a piece of cake

    Liked by 1 person

  2. When you hit the rock bottom, the only way is upwards. always remember this. 20 years is nothing. when you turn 30 , you’ll smile about your 20’s thoughts. believe me, thats what i do. wish you recovery.
    .Ansheeta

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi Juansen. You can recover. If we reflect honestly on suicide, and lots of research based upon suicide survivors accounts shows this to be, suicide is not knowing how to cope. Desperately wanting to find a way to live successfully, but not knowing how to yet.

    Yet – we can all find a way to have a fulfilling life. Its not easy, but it can happen. You can find away to have the life you desire – one patient step at a time.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Honestly, dude, I’m 30 and still haven’t completely figured things out either. And I know the feeling of time running out and that it might just be easier to end it all, but please, please don’t. You’ve recognised that you’re unhappy, and that is the first step towards fixing things. Not to sound patronising, but you’re still young, with plenty of time – things can be fixed. No opportunity is ever truly lost x

    Liked by 1 person

  5. It’s a choice. And one I could have taken. But it leaves you without choices. This life is a marathon not a sprint. Today is #worldsuicidepreventionday a big day for many of us. If you want to talk. I’m all ears.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I just had to add to the support here – you have lots of time! So much time. I think, for myself, I would look at the big picture ‘I want to be able to play x instrument’ and realise I’m not good at it straight away or that I haven’t been doing it all this time and then I wouldn’t bother starting at all. But if you break it down to small steps, in your day, it adds up over time and means you’re living out your hopes and dreams. So maybe something like ‘today I will look at one beginner guitar tutorial and practise for 5 mins’. I don’t know if you’ve already tried that but just wanted to share it 🙂 hope you’re feeling better! x

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  7. Time is wonderful. Once you are absorbed in something, it will befriend you. It is never too late to start anything. Trust me on this one – I have recreated myself profoundly numerous times throughout the years. You are NOT intended to know what you want to do at 20, so lose that expectation and that anxiety. Start. Today is Day 1. This moment is moment 1. Do not take time to transition. Simply be that thing you aspire to be, no matter how elemental the form. —CC

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  8. Depression and anxiety can come and go, that’s why it’s so difficult to feel hopeful one minute and then feel it creeping back up on you the next. It seeps into your brain crippling thoughts of any self worth. Combat those. Forgive yourself for being human. That’s what you are. A human being that is learning along with the rest of us. For what it’s worth, I didn’t finish school until I was 30. Your timeline is your own. Take it at your pace and be kind to yourself along the way. And, please stay.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Something I have learned in my 40 years thus far is that the progression of “adulthood” isn’t linear. Between my 20’s to now, I’ve had years where I knew exactly who I was and where I was going and I felt satisfied with it. I’ve also had years where I’ve been where you are now. There are years of in between. I think it’s just part of evolving as a person and coping with that process.

    And you know… as long as you still live and breathe, it’s never too late to pursue dreams and build opportunities for yourself. All we have is right now. So when it comes to that, the words “too late” hold no real meaning.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Reading this was like reading something I would’ve said when I was twenty. We all dwell on the should’ve and could’ve, but don’t let it consume your mind, your twenty and have so much life ahead of you. You don’t have to live your life at anyone’s pace but your own. So don’t preasure yourself into rushing into things before your ready, that can do more harm than good. Just take it slow and steady bud, you’ll be fine.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I used to think I was wasting time in my early twenties. I dropped out of college, so that meant that the rest of my life was going to be trash. And then as the years went on, I noticed how long they still are. At about 24 I started pushing myself to *learn a musical instrument *start at the bottom of my dream career *and live off of very little with only the love of my friends keeping me afloat. And now two years later, I can play that instrument, I’m happy in my job and I realize I still have so much time to become who I want to be. the anxiety of running out of time *will* make you waste it if you let it. Be careful, and keep moving forward because you’re obviously smart enough to do good things in the world.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. The moments you feel better are the true ones, the negative thoughts are the ones deceiving you. That’s what I try to tell myself everyday. It’s worth it.
    I only graduated highschool when I was 20 because my social anxiety. I was so hard on myself then. I’m only starting university now for that same reason. But I’m happier now. Of course I still struggle but I’m learning.
    Keep going!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. We all have a lot of should haves and could haves but the trick is to know we are all humans and we do the best we can with what we have at any point of time. The trick is to love your self unconditionally, not dwell on mistakes but on the lessons we have learned. I wish you love and luck in life.

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  14. I’m anxious too, at the idea of choosing and knowing the paths that close up afterwards. There is me fearing the dead end. Even so, life is full of choices and I hope that you’ll have the strength to pull through.

    I’m not the best at conversations, but I’m open to the idea of chatting via email/etc. It would be nice to know you as a friend, as a fellow human being, but it’s perfectly fine to say no, too. Have a lovely week. (:

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I feel like this too, at least we know were not abnormal in thinking this way :/
    I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to handle these feelings of regret and failure as soon as possible because it’ll only worsen as I get older when I’m bound to reminisce on my younger years.
    One thing that I am a believer in though is that it’s never too late. This is cliche but a true story: I learned to play the piano when I was 16 and after 2 years of practice was at the level of someone that had been playing for 10 years. It was easy for me to do this because I really LOVED playing, even learning was exciting for me. People are naturally better at different things and personally I think you’re really talented at writing.
    While you’re alive it’s NEVER to late to start something. Don’t doubt your abilities, you can do anything 🙂 I am learning guitar right now and there are songs that you can play with just 3 chords, and makes learning more enjoyable and practice easier.
    I am rooting for you!!!
    I hope you have a good week! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I surprised at the way a person’s post ( somebody who don’t know anything about) can be the exact representation of your daily struggles. I am 20 and reading this has somehow made me feel like this is a 20s phase. Somehow I feel better that somebody somewhere can actually relate and most importantly understand what I am going through without me talking them a thing. Thank you Juansen

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  17. The ‘ultimate choice’ is the end of choice. It means having no choice at all. It is clear to anyone who reads this that the world world needs more people like you, not less. So many successful people have felt suicidal. Stay strong and keep blogging, Juansen!

    Liked by 1 person

  18. I’m sorry to hear of your recent struggles, Juansen. I know it’s difficult in the moment but don’t be too hard on yourself – anyone who has it all figured out by 20 probably doesn’t have anything figured at all! Be kind to yourself, and I hope you realize that sometimes the anxiety you feel – the things that make life more difficult – are also what can make it shimmer more brightly in certain moments. Take care of yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. I’m 44 and still don’t quite know what to do. Sometimes it takes a long time to figure things out (especially life!), so don’t be harsh on yourself. Everyone learns life at their own speed, and you can’t force it to be otherwise (sadly). Just know you’re doing the best you can with what you have. 🙂

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  20. Hey don’t beat yourself up! Twenty is STILL is still young! But I know where your coming from. I’m 30 years old and still struggling while I earn my credential. And I keep comparing myself to people I grew up with because they are either married or have a significant other or have kids or have their careers or their own apartment and I feel like I have gotten Jack Squat. I often question myself on my social and emotional abilities and then…anxiety takes off.🚀 But I have this post by Winston Churchill I have posted up on my wall, “Success is not fatal, failure is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts.” It reminds me and gives me the courage to keep going forward.

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