June 19, 2017

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How can I fix my mind if my mind is where the problem is in the first place? It’s getting hard to live day by day when all I could think of is my death. Along with a negative stream of irrational thoughts that haunts me minute after minute after minute.

Do I have free will? Does the butterfly effect cause alternate realities to exist where I could’ve been perfect? Is choosing death the ultimate real choice to freedom?

I’ve been walking around my room back and forth back and forth several times a day feeling very restless and angry. Contemplating about my death. Smashing ice cubes and hangers on to the wall. Arranging and rearranging things. Shouting occasionally.

It isn’t enough that I am understood by the people who love me. I am suffering and there’s no cure to my thought process. Some days I don’t even feel like anything exists. Some days I don’t even feel like I’m the real me.

I am powerless. I am flight. I am panic. I am anxiety. I am a soul that would eventually be set free from this world.

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15 thoughts on “June 19, 2017

  1. Hey i’m sorry you’re going through this problem your facing this might not help but here’s a link to a song that could cheer you up a bit (its in chinese but there are english subs to it) and i do suggest you reach out to someone if you can. Take care

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  2. Death isn’t a solution unless you believe the physical body is everything you are.
    It’s all about the mind- you can have a perfect life and not feel free but you can sit in the prison cell and feel the greatest freedom (look at Nelson Mandela). The mind is the problem

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  3. Juansen, I started following your blog because your poems were so very encouraging… you always ended each one with that feeling of hope… that there is something better after the hurting and the pain. Let that hope be with you there now

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  4. Hi Jaunsen.

    Your despair is the exigency of life. Of the deeply human quest for understanding and knowledge of our place:

    In the world, the universe, the multiverse
    In life
    In other people’s hearts

    You allude to a defragmented mix of emotions, where chaos ensues and meaning is lost. This is the deepest of mysteries we encounter: the inner world of the self.
    I have mentioned your incredible bravery in feeling these emotions in the first place. The next step is acceptance in the confusion.
    The frustrating, lonely, evocative confusion…

    B.

    Liked by 4 people

  5. You are loved. You are needed. You are wanted. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. The world is a twisted place, and believe me–we’ve all thought of leaving it and all our struggles behind us. But we have to change it first. You want a fixed world? Fix it. Fixed mind? Fix it. You’ve changed 3,765+ people (just look at those followers!), I hope we can help you change you.

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