Hi. I’m Juansen Dizon. I’m a writer, and I suffer from pure o ocd including suicidal thoughts and occasional changes in mood.
I am anxious about certain numbers like 2 and 8, and I like the number 6. I am also anxious about this thing called the butterfly effect and how it affects my obsessive thoughts about alternate realities which led me to become depersonalized/derealized for a long time in April. It’s like I feel that with every choice I make I create a new version of myself. That’s why sometimes I think: Am I the real me? Or am I just an alternate version of me that made the wrong choice in life and has failed. Sometimes I think that it’s better to do nothing because then everything remains possible.
Other things that I am anxious about includes reincarnation, my blogs and social media accounts and time and how it makes me feel so guilty and hopeless because I’m afraid that it’s becoming too late to bring permanent justices into my own being.
I help myself by having a routine which includes jogging, having social media detox days, bibliotherapy and working with my current psychiatrist who seems to get what I have, unlike my previous psychiatrist.
Other things I do to help myself but find so hard to is not doing my compulsions which are deleting/decluttering, checking and mentally reassuring myself with the nice thoughts that I think about that temporarily decreases my anxiety. And the last thing is writing. Sometimes I think of quitting not because it’s hard but because sometimes I look at the screen and the words suddenly look like alien and I start to panic a bit, but that’s when I have to keep on writing to lessen the power that anxiety has on me.
And anxiety has been a bitch. I am not at peace most of the time because of it because I am always thinking and worrying and obsessing about the things that I know that aren’t really worth obsessing about. And it makes me want to cry because sometimes I think that I’m going crazy and I’m really desperate for healing and recovery, but it feels like the darkness is winning and it could only be a matter of time before death gives me the final punchline.
Hope is just for people who heal and become better.