My Mental Health Story So Far

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Hi. I’m Juansen Dizon. I’m a writer, and I suffer from pure o ocd including suicidal thoughts and occasional changes in mood.

I am anxious about certain numbers like 2 and 8, and I like the number 6. I am also anxious about this thing called the butterfly effect and how it affects my obsessive thoughts about alternate realities which led me to become depersonalized/derealized for a long time in April. It’s like I feel that with every choice I make I create a new version of myself. That’s why sometimes I think: Am I the real me? Or am I just an alternate version of me that made the wrong choice in life and has failed. Sometimes I think that it’s better to do nothing because then everything remains possible.

Other things that I am anxious about includes reincarnation, my blogs and social media accounts and time and how it makes me feel so guilty and hopeless because I’m afraid that it’s becoming too late to bring permanent justices into my own being.

I help myself by having a routine which includes jogging, having social media detox days, bibliotherapy and working with my current psychiatrist who seems to get what I have, unlike my previous psychiatrist.

Other things I do to help myself but find so hard to is not doing my compulsions which are deleting/decluttering, checking and mentally reassuring myself with the nice thoughts that I think about that temporarily decreases my anxiety. And the last thing is writing. Sometimes I think of quitting not because it’s hard but because sometimes I look at the screen and the words suddenly look like alien and I start to panic a bit, but that’s when I have to keep on writing to lessen the power that anxiety has on me.

And anxiety has been a bitch. I am not at peace most of the time because of it because I am always thinking and worrying and obsessing about the things that I know that aren’t really worth obsessing about. And it makes me want to cry because sometimes I think that I’m going crazy and I’m really desperate for healing and recovery, but it feels like the darkness is winning and it could only be a matter of time before death gives me the final punchline.

Hope is just for people who heal and become better.

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50 thoughts on “My Mental Health Story So Far

  1. Hi Juansen,

    I started blogging almost 9 months ago and since then I have been following your blog. For what it’s worth I love the way you write, one can tell you are someone who feels deeply and intensely about things. That what makes you anxious is also what makes a good writer and a good human being. I am sure it’s not easy living with such chaos in your head all the time but I want to tell you that so far you have been doing a great job, and I am a fan of your small yet impactful quotes.

    Love,
    N

    Liked by 11 people

      • So do you. Never forget that.
        In your little ways, with your little quotes some days you move someone, some days you help someone make a choice and some days you calm someone’s troubled mind…that one positive moment that your blog creates has a butterfly effect on so many lives.

        You mean a lot. Never forget that. 🙂

        Liked by 4 people

      • Hi Juansen, I admire your courage to be real and put yourself out there. There is real strength in that. Your writing is powerful, poetic, and yes, hopeful, because you are doing the thing for which only you are gifted. I can’t relate to the kind of pain you have, but the way you communicate it is quite beautiful..Seems to me all the great stuff we contribute to this world, the great beauty — that is, honest writing, music or works of art, — comes from deep pain.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you so much. ❤ I do believe that I have a gift in writing. And yes, I do agree that all works of art comes from deep pain. Sadly, I am suffering constantly at times as what I have written in this blog post. And I really do appreciate you for reading the stuff I post here. ❤ Have a wonderful and great day, Eva. ❤

        Like

  2. I’m so sorry to read you have such painful struggles. I’ve had depression and PTSD in the past but can’t relate to the things you say here. My heart truly goes out to you.
    I know it’s so hard to have hope in the darkest times. But there is hope. Let others carry you and remind you when you don’t see it. We’re all in this together. And your words mean something to others. And that is worth a lot!!!

    Liked by 4 people

  3. I do not understand all the things you are dealing with, Juansen, but I am glad you have people to support you and I hope that you will achieve increased clarity about what your life’s purpose is, and what you should be focused on right now. As a new reader of your blog, I would like to thank you for sharing your thoughts and the interesting and very often profoundly beautiful things you write. Sending you positive energy! L.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. My dear Juansen, thank you for writing about your struggle. You help me every time you share because I can relate to so much of what you say. I can see by all the comments that you are getting support. Your courage to write about your pain encourages me to continue writing about my own. I know that many people don’t “get me,” but thank God for those, like you, who so. Keep writing and sharing. Martha

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Its so brave of you to share this so openly. As others have said, your writing creates a beautiful butterfly effect for others in their lives. It helps me a lot to read your writing and it really touches And motivates me. Always keep fighting against your symptoms because you, your beauty, is so worth it. Thank you for all you are doing for the mental health community ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  6. “Hope is just for people who heal and become better.” Au contraire, my friend, hope is for everyone. Hope helps healing. Healing is this wonderful concoction that you mix up, and hope is one of the key ingredients. Getting help, like you are already doing, is another one. Drink up!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Thank you so much for sharing your story and as with everything you write, it was beautifully written. As you may know from my blog, I also have pure o along with a few other diagnoses. Writing and bibliotherapy also help me <3. Something I think that exacerbates the anxiety from the disorder is the uncertainty of when it's going to hit and interfere with something (such as talking to a friend or seeing a movie or functioning at work). I was just talking to a friend about the butterfly effect yesterday because it is also something I obsess over, particularly during life transitions. It is my theory that people with mental illness contribute to the most beautiful parts of society. Even though you're suffering and are experiencing this debilitating pain that you don't deserve, it influences so many of your strengths, like your writing and the compassion that you have which shows through your poetry. An ER psychiatrist once told me that people with this form of OCD are the most gentle and kind people he has ever encountered. I don't know you, but I can bet that is true about you. Keep on fighting – it may be overwhelming, but recovery is a life-long process and you're taking the right steps! If you ever want to talk recovery, feel free to reach out. I've been working on some things that have been helpful and we can bounce some ideas off of each other. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Thank you for sharing. Take comfort that your writing is helping others to understand themselves and feel better about today. Life is so better connected and sharing like this is empowering; for you and you readers. I send you good wishes as you travel your journey

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Your story, despite the negativity, is very encouraging… I too struggle with not being sure of who I am and I have bouts of extreme depression quite often. I find your writings though to be uplifting because each poem usually has a hopeful end. It’s a struggle, I know, but think of how much you help others through your art and writings… others who may not be as brave as you to come out and share their mental health with others. You are an inspiration. I’m actually going to order your book when I order my next shipment of books from Amazon later on this week. It takes at least a month to reach where I am… can’t wait to read it!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Hi Juansen,

    I just started blogging and noticed you liked a couple of my post. I just want you to know, I understand the struggles you are facing and I’m here for you if you need me to be. Stay strong because you are stronger and more powerful than your struggle!!!
    xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Hi Juansen, there are many things I’d like to tell you about the way your post touched me but tonight I’m not very fluid. I’m so sorry about your suffer and there is not much I can do to help you but I wish I could. It’s impressive how unaware the world is about the nightmare that so many people lives dealing with mental health problems.
    I send you love and understanding.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. Wow, I relate so much. I have agoraphobia/panic disorder and I suffer from derealization a lot.. It’s hard. I don’t always know what’s real, whether or not I’m dreaming or awake, if I’m actually hearing what someone is saying or if I’m hallucinating. It’s terrifying. It’s nice to know someone out there understands… Good luck with getting better. I’m glad you found a good psych, I’m still searching.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Mental health disorders can be so painful! And finding the right medications and mental health professionals is such a struggle! My own mental health issues have been mostly anxiety and depression. Before I got on my current medication, I got so anxious I felt afraid to get out of bed in the morning. I also felt afraid I would never feel better.
    So I think I understand your hopeless feelings. Along with seeking the right medicine and treatment, I hope you will cry out to the God who made heaven and earth. He is the source of true help and hope. He is the one who provided help for me. And actually, He is also the one who has supplied the help and support you have received so far. He did this because He loves you and me and each person He has created. He wants to have a relationship with you through His Son Jesus Christ. (You can look at the web page
    https://triciajots4jesus.wordpress.com/youre-invited/ for more about this.)
    God will guide you to what you need if you look to Him.

    Liked by 2 people

  14. Thank you so much Juan for sharing this!
    I also wrote a blog today about how I’ve gotten myself through some hard times.
    I love that as a community, we can share these ideas and help one another.
    It’s been incredible finding this kind of support, so thank you for your bravery.
    I’d love it if you gave my post a read and let me know what you think!
    passionintoaction.blog

    Keep on x

    Liked by 1 person

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