Where Is My Mind?

Where Is My Mind?

A Search For My Sanity

 

It’s hard to think straight when I know I hate myself.

It’s hard to think straight when I know I want to kill myself.

It’s also hard to think straight when I know I have these sad thoughts.

 

Thoughts like:

  • Suicide
  • I space out too much
  • I can’t sleep well without sleeping pills
  • I don’t play video games anymore which means less pleasure in my life
  • My social life lives and dies with my best friend
  • Feeling Ugly in general
  • Feeling I’m not good enough as a writer
  • Feeling there’s nothing to wear, so I always end up staying at home most of the time
  • Thinking how my psychiatrist might beΒ greedy for giving me weak medications just to come back to her again and again for more consultation fees which is very judgemental of me since psychiatrists are there to help
  • Thinking about my ex-girlfriend and how I’ve clearly been the wrong guy for her to be with
  • Wanting to learn how to play the guitar or the piano but can’t get myself to do it
  • Wanting to become good at singing again
  • Wanting to become a muscular guy but can’t go to the gym because of social anxiety
  • Wanting to get my teeth fixed but haven’t found the right dentist yet
  • Wanting to read more books in a week but limit myself to one book in a week because books are very expensive and because it’s my mom who pays for the books I read
  • How the only reason I’m depressed is because of a medical condition and not because I was molested, abused, or financially burdened
  • How my depression may get a little better, but I’d still be ugly
  • How I’ll never get a stable job
  • I’m just a spoiled depressed rich kid who is never contented with his life
  • I’m a college dropout, and I’m okay with it which is bad for business
  • Fantasizing that one day I’ll meet a girl as clinically depressed as me and we’ll fall in love, and we’ll live happily ever after
  • Fantasizing that I’ll get published before I turn 25 and people would love my book which is very narcissistic of me since I’m not even finished with my first draft
  • And how I may have lost my mind with all these sad thoughts
  • And how my brain has betrayed me
  • And how I think I should not think anymore and just do what I want to do, but that would be very hard to do because I’m very depressed.

But I would try in order to find my sanity.

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31 thoughts on “Where Is My Mind?

  1. Juansen you don’t realize that your gifted. Just being able to read one book is amazing. I can’t even read one chapter that’s why I write. You have many talents that you’ve put on hold. I don’t have any talents to mention. You are cute ok you are NOT ugly. So stop telling yourself those negative things. You have a disease my friend and it’s called depression. You didn’t ask for it neither did i. But we have to find a way to believe in ourselves. You helping me and me helping you. That’s what it’s all about. Get all the therapy you can. I have a book for you to read ok? It’s called FEELING GOOD by David Burns. It teaches cognitive behavioral therapy. Maybe you will like it I do. Keep in touch, I believe in you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It feels like a good book πŸ™‚ He has videos online so maybe I’ll start there. And I haven’t been to talk therapy yet, just a normal psychiatrist who prescribes medications. Maybe talk therapy is what I need soon. And thank you for helping me and I’ll try to do the same for you whenever πŸ™‚

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  2. Oh, Juan…Maybe you hate that abbreviation? If you stay away from thrift stores too long you do indeed have nothing to wear. It’s difficult to click “like” to negative things from you. Is there a library where you live? Check it out. The fact that you still call yourself a psychopath after looking the definition up makes me question your sanity (ha ha). I myself was encouraged by “The Brain That Changes Itself,” by Norman Doidge. If indeed all those things are wrong with you, you should indeed get a prize for being…the what? (Sorry, a burn victim is uglier). I published a book and nobody read it so I may be worse off. Obviously I’m not good enough as a writer, I never found a dentist I liked so am currently toothless. (That served me right!) You used to be a good singer–if you sang now what would your favorite songs be? Tell me. I hate to think what books you’re selecting to read, tell me. One thing I would work on is searching for your sense of humor. I can enjoy to a degree even “sick” humor. Maybe your book could be one poking fun at yourself. Thank God (or whoever) I’ve found my sense of humor, tho you wouldn’t know it from reading this comment….

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  3. I suffered with depression fro my early thirties onwards. I understand the thought patterns you write here, but they are just thoughts OK? Your thoughts are just thoughts. They may not be true. Keep at it with the psychiatrist and be willing to to be helped. You have worth, you have value, you are perfectly you.

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  4. You shouldn’t think like this it’s not your fault just like it’s not anyone’s fault for having a mental illness. DON’T LET IT DEFINE YOU !!! You can do all the things you want to do. Stay strong πŸ™‚

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  5. Hi, I just want to remind you of the old adage, “This too shall pass.” I remind myself too because I’m also in not-so-healthy mental condition.
    We will be fine.

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  6. I can relate to a lot of this – in my teens and twenties I developed severe depression & anxiety disorder, and the thought patterns you described are very familiar to me. When I was in my 30s I was diagnosed and started getting treatment (doctors & clinical psychologists). It took a while for the treatment to start to work – a year or two before I started to get better. Four years on I still get bad days, but it isn’t constant anymore. It’s a hard battle but with help and support we can get through it! All the best on your mental illness journey.

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