18 Going on 19

The Perfect Age 

“When I was young I thought this was the perfect age to be.

No more sadness. No more misery. No more despair.

To think that my inner demons would eventually go to hell.”

(Melancholy, 1984 by Edvard Munch)

 

On December 2015, I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression and Social Anxiety.

This was something I considered but it was also something I shrugged off.

I felt that clinical depression was only for people who have lost a loved one,

Or for people who experienced a traumatic experience like rape, molestation or abuse.

I felt like I didn’t have the qualifications to be entitled with Clinical Depression.

Nor did I felt I had the license to walk through life with Social Anxiety.

But here I am still fighting a crusade for my pursuit of happiness.

 

So what could be the reason for all of these?

Well, maybe because I was restrained from happiness during my childhood.

I was rarely given the chance to showcase my natural gifts and talents.

My summer vacations were full of stress from forced studying.

I rarely had the chance to play and explore.

All I ever wanted was to have the childhood I thought I deserved.

 

Then I tried searching for happiness during my teenage years:

I tried searching for happiness from romantic relationships.

I tried searching for happiness from a deity.

I tried searching for happiness by living a simple life.

I tried searching for happiness by pursuing my passion for music.

I tried searching for happiness by literally searching for happiness on Google.

Eventually, I stopped searching for happiness and found myself deep in sadness.

 

On January 2015, I began playing computer games for at least 12 hours a day

Playing computer games gave me pleasure, joy, and excitement.

Perhaps I wanted a role in real life that wasn’t happening?

And maybe I found that role by playing computer games.

A role in a world built on fantasy.

A role in a world where nothing awful transpires.

A role in a world where nothing is real.

 

By January 2016, I stopped playing cold turkey.

By March 2016, I occasionally played computer games.

I learned that computer games are pleasurable in small doses.

But I also learned that computer games are innocently destructive in large doses.

And I’m satisfied to say that I’m a better person than the person I was last year.

But there are still many obstacles along the way and I am excited to pass those obstacles.

I can’t wait to become a better person than the person I am today.

 

18 has been a rough time for me.

I’m now a college drop out because my clinical depression is growing worse.

I’m now a college drop out because my social anxiety is making my depression worse.

And right now my medications are giving me some undesirable side-effects.

Dizziness, sleepiness, loss of appetite and decrease in testosterone levels.

I’ve been staying in the house for awhile and occasionally visiting my grandmother.

Writing and Music have been helping me cope up with my depression.

 

When I do get better I’ll go back to college again.

I’ll be pursuing my career in psychology.

The course I’m going to take is Bachelor of Arts in Psychology.

My dream is to become a therapist helping people surpass the problems I have today.

I know one day I’ll make an excellent therapist because I understand.

I know what it feels like to feel different, depressed and socially anxious.

It’s my purpose in life to reach out to these people.

 

In a few minutes, I’ll be 19.

I feel sad and thankful at the same time.

Sad because I feel depressed.

But thankful because I know what kind of man I want to be.

Grateful for my gifts and talents.

And I appreciate my friends, best friends and everyone whom I consider family.

Relieved because I have another chance to get better and be better when I’m 19.

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18 thoughts on “18 Going on 19

  1. I really liked this post….I can remember being 18 and 19. I have been clinically depressed most of my life. When I need to I just go to the doctor’s and get a prescription…I take it for around 6 months to a year and then wean off of it. I feel fine for a long time and when depression rears it’s ugly head again I go back to the doctor for another prescription. I have learned that sometimes my brain needs a little chemical help balancing the levels it is supposed to have. Reading your post I remember how it is to feel the way you describe. I have been there and you put it into words perfectly. I am now following your blog. Best wishes to you feeling better soon. =) Keep pushing through…your future plans sound excellent and just what the world needs.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wait till it’s 3 times 18 going on 19 and you’re still wondering what the hell is next. That anxiety thing? It never goes away, you just learn to talk to people and let it go. They can’t kill you and eat you, so how bad can it really be? You’ll get there, trust me.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. 19…out of your teens into the decades – 20s, 30s, 40s, et cetera et cetera…you have the tools to pull yourself through each…to reflect on your highs…ponder your lows… you are a superstar…weave the tapestry of your life with all the colors…it will be lovely

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I can’t help but to? Laugh remembering my life long labeled not just as depressive but also as bipolar, zchiz, and? whatever other label could have been saddled on me why? BECAUSE OF OUR GIFTS! The society of mankind does not understand or tolerate gifted individuals like we are, period! So?
    Why am I laughing? Because I am so glad to bring you the truth about all of those labels of mental health–they are all a hoax from Satan himself but? Satan is a defeated foe! So? We are all finding each other by the power of love from on high and? Soon? All of us will be laughing as we enjoy the truth about our Creator and His power of love to restore us to the original intent of our creation! Here is a post that you all might enjoy: https://inspirationalbythia.wordpress.com/2016/04/20/positive-versus-negative-connect-the-two-an-you-will-find-the-battery-that-runs-this-machine-of-the-world-that-we-inhabit-2/
    His love in my heart for all, thiaBasilia

    Liked by 1 person

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